Thursday Things

Thanks to tips from @mdavidbrown I have been an ironing fool!! I have a love/ hate relationship with it. Because I’m still new it takes me FOREVER and adds an extra step to doing laundry. However it’s like painting a room- – you see immediate results and it’s so satisfying!! I hate wrinkles now. I literally washed my shower curtain and after hanging it up thought to myself “hm, I should have ironed that.” (WHAT?!?)

We had a bunch of work trainings recently (kind of our MO) and so you know what that means!

Well… at least for some of us:)

Peanut butter blondies with chocolate frosting will always have my heart

But an iced latte and a cake pop from Starbucks just hits the SPOT sometimes! (Also my friend at work just told me they now have decaf iced coffee – - score!!)

Mailing out Mother’s Day cards to the grandmas. Hallmark has some cards with pre paid postage! How great is that?

Guys I am SO excited to be throwing my parents a joint 60th Birthday party! We are doing a classy Hawaiian theme and my brain has been marinating in party planning thoughts for weeks now:) Fun! I’m excited to share with you more details in a few weeks, but here is a glimpse! It’s the invitation… with the details blurred out so as to not be sharing personal information with creepsters… awkward.

We had our free medical clinic at The Oaks which was AMAZING! We had 150 people come through the doors and had doctors and nurses and so many volunteers. It was incredible to see people step up to serve in many ways. We had a BCESC Early Childhood booth too!

After reminded of my intense love for Les Mis, I decided I should read the book! I’m only about 10% through… which is about 120 pages. (#YikesUnabridged)

Brilliant idea seen in a coffee shop. Make large cookies to exactly fit the size of cute jars. #StealThis

Les Mis Recap!

In case you were wondering, Les Miserables was absolutely, breath takingly wonderful!!

Seriously. I was unaware I would cry much of the way through it. It was just so good, it touched my soul in a deep way.

Amazing music.

Insane talent.

A story of grace and redemption.

If you only see one musical in your entire lifetime, I can’t recommend Les Mis enough!

(AND I happened to have a fabulous date to enjoy it with!)

At dinner

Our dessert

“The Chocolate Lady’s” table that we always go to at the Aronoff (the lady isn’t the chocolate lady in case you were wondering… the guy in the suit is blocking her)

My truffle (2nd dessert)

Such a fun date night and the BEST way to wrap up our Broadway Series! Yay!

So Thankful

To be his wife

And so utterly thankful for the God who created him and me; so thankful that he brought us together 10 years ago and gave us grace to enter the covenant of marriage almost 5 years ago; so humbled and thankful for His design of marriage; and how He chose it to be a place of deep communion, where we can grow together, work through past pain and sins together and that through that the Holy Spirit changes us, sanctifies us and we get to know Jesus, the Lord of the universe better and better.

A Shift in Identity

“We can’t have kids.”

This is a new reality for us. We are no longer “trying to get pregnant” or “suffering through infertility.” We are now in the tiny percentage of people who have tried as far as their conscience and/or finances will allow and still can’t have children.

It seems more permanent. Even more heartbreaking. The other day I told my husband I felt like a piece of me died, like I have to learn how to live with the reality of being without a limb.

I waver back and forth between clinging onto Jesus’ cloak and desperately trying to believe what He says is true and feeling despaired in my grief and completely without hope. Being barren without Him would be completely unbearable, yet sometimes it’s harder that I know God is strong enough and powerful enough and good enough to give us children, yet He hasn’t.

Now you may look at me and say ‘He can do miracles’, ‘You’re still young, your time’s not up.’ Yet without medical intervention, my body is unable to do the first step in conceiving. And as we’ve seen the past 2 years – even through 11 bouts of medicine, 6 IUIs and 2 Frozen embryo transfers – we’ve left with no healthy pregnancy, no baby in our arms. All we have to speak of is 2 early miscarriages and 4 dead babies.

You may say ‘There’s a lot more medical interventions you could do’ or ‘You should totally try embryo donation again… it kind of worked didn’t it?’ There are many more treatments available- there’s IVF, egg donation, ICSI, genetic testing, etc. No doctor has ever told us we can’t get pregnant or there’s medically any reason why we haven’t yet. Yet after much prayer and consideration, we decided these options are not right for us. (And logically – we’ve done embryo transfers and they didn’t work… IVF would be about 4 times as expensive, more time and energy intensive and so much more uncomfortable).

All of this is so emotionally devastating that it gets to a point where you have to walk away.

And unfortunately for us, it’s gotten to that point. If it was up to me alone, I would have kept trying, kept trying, kept trying… and eventually self destruct. In the beginning of this last cycle, Bryan and I discussed what we wanted to do if it didn’t work. We had no more embryos at the center so we would have to start a new process somewhere. We could either get back on the waiting list (the first time took about 10 months), begin the process for another center for embryo donation or begin the process for infant adoption. Bryan said he thinks if we are going to start a new process, we might as well try infant adoption since we’ve given embryo donation two chances.

I know he loves me and cares for me deeply and wants the best for our family, so I told him I trust him and that infant adoption will be our next step… although not for quite a while. It doesn’t mean that we’d never try embryo donation again – - but honestly, the older I get the less likely success is…. and after 2 miscarriages and 4 babies with Jesus… I don’t know if I can sign myself up for the possibility of that pain and loss again. Four dead babies is almost too overwhelming for me to deal with.

And so now, I begin to learn my new identity. The woman that cannot bear. The painfully empty womb. Grief and sorrow are constantly by my side. I grieve my babies, oh yes, and I also grieve the death of my dream. The desire of getting pregnant and having a family that beautiful way is dead too.

I know in my mind that my barreness is not my identity, but only a part of it– but I’m just not there yet.

And as we heard about our recent loss on Good Friday, I think about how real Jesus’ death was as we were coming to grips with our own child’s death. There’s no reason that day should be good – for any reason. But Jesus’ death happened so He could raise from the dead and gain victory over death. Easter is that great day where we celebrate redemption and hope conquering over hopelessness.

Jesus conquer my hopeless heart.

Tasty Tuesday – Peanut Butter Blondies with Chocolate Frosting (One of my All Time FAVORITE Treats!)

I can’t believe I haven’t posted this recipe yet.

I first discovered this umpteen years ago thanks to the great Emily Weller. She was the champion of making these guys VERY often and I got to eat them without the work… thank you ma’am.

These babies are uber moist and topped off with the perfect easy chocolate frosting. They are a little different than your traditional cookie blondies because they begin with cooking the butter/ sugar/ peanut butter in a saucepan.

We LOVE Peanut Butter Blondies. Myself and 2 friends even made a ridiculous video about how much we love them… which is basically just us having the giggles. That’s literally the whole video. RIDICULOUS.

I made them for my sweet hubby (along with a host of other treats) as he and the men on his staff went on a retreat.

And unfortunately he brought some of them home – ah! Other treats I can resist but these babies…. oh, these are so amazing they’re my special treat I’ll save my calories up for:)

Peanut Butter Blondies w/ Chocolate Frosting

oh-so slightly adapted from Joy the Baker

Ingredients for blondies:

• 10 T. salted butter, cut into 1 inch cubes
• 2 c. dark brown sugar (could use light if you don’t have dark!)
• 1 c. peanut butter
• 2 eggs
• 1 T. vanilla extract
• 1/4 t. salt
• 2 c. flour
• 1 t. baking powder

Directions for Blondies:

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.  Grease a 9×13 inch pan or grease/line with parchment paper/ and grease. (No worries if you don’t have parchment paper.)
2. In a medium saucepan, melt the butter and sugar on medium to medium low heat. Stir together until just melted. Remove from burner and let cool for 5 minutes.
3. Add peanut butter then stir until incorporated. Allow to cool for 5 minutes more, then whisk in the egg and vanilla. (Remember my unrealistic fear of accidentally cooking eggs? This could really happen here – let it cool the full amount!!)
4. Set aside.
5. In a large bowl, sift together salt, flour and baking powder. Quickly pour in peanut butter/ sugar/ butter mixture into the dry ingredients and stir until no more flour streaks (just barely incorporated.)
6. Pour the thick batter into the pan and use the back of a spoon or your fingers to smooth out.
7.  Bake for 20-25 minutes, or until a skewer inserted in the center of the blondies comes out clean.  Remove from the oven and allow to cool to room temperature before frosting.

Ingredients for Frosting:

• 6 T. unsalted butter, softened
• 3 T. unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/4 t. salt
• 1 1/2 – 2 c. powdered sugar
• 3 T. milk
• 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips, melted (Joy uses milk chocolate)

Directions for Frosting:

1. When you’re ready to begin frosting, beat together the butter, cocoa powder and salt.
2.  Add 1/2 c. powdered sugar followed by 1 T. milk.  Beat well.
3. Add another cup of powdered sugar, followed by 2 T. of milk.
4. Melt chocolate chips in the microwave, in 30 second increments, stirring well after each time. Set aside to cool slightly.
5. Add chocolate to the frosting and beat to incorporate.  Add the final 1/2 cup of powdered sugar if you’d like it to be thicker.
6. Spread evenly over peanut butter blondies.

If You Know Us, This May Be a Shock…

Bryan and I are thinking about getting a dog!

I can’t exactly explain what changed.

Recently, we spent some time at a friend’s house and spent some time with their sweet little dog! He was hilarious and cuddly and a good companion. And we just kind of thought “Having a dog might be fun!”

We decided on a Shih Tzu and have been looking at petfinder for shelters in the area and breeders. Puppies are obviously adorable, but we might look into an adult dog who is already house trained… that might be helpful with both of us working full-time:)

Anyways… for all of those who have dogs – help a sister out!

What’s your favorite thing about having a dog? Where did you get your dog? Is it better to get a puppy or an adult dog? What are your best dog training tips? What are the things we must know?!?

Another Mother’s Day

I almost didn’t want to write a post for today. And by that I mean I still don’t really want to write this post.

As if groups of women don’t talk about their pregnancies and children enough, mother’s day is the day where the fertile women of the world are celebrated, where people get even more doe-eyed over their babies and children and praise mothers that they make the world go ’round and for everything they are.

Moms work hard and are important, we all know that. I’m not trying to discount anything they do.

But man… for the infertile woman, the women who just had a miscarriage (or another miscarriage) or the women who just lost her mom… hearing all that is just the worst.

In recent years I’ve blogged for everyone – to remember Mother’s Day isn’t a celebration for everyone, to be sensitive in the way you celebrate. Last year I wrote a post sharing some great resources out there and the year before that I shared how hard this day can be and wrote 15 things I’m thankful for.

Two years later and knowing what our journey has brought, this day is more heartbreaking than ever.

And so even though I don’t want to, today I’m writing this post for you. You, dear reader, that struggled with infertility for a year and a half and just had her first pregnancy end too shortly. You, dear reader, who just finished paying the bills for your mom’s funeral. You, dear reader, whose adoption just fell through. You, dear reader, that is coping with the intense emotions that come from coming to grips with the fact you’ll never bear life. You, dear reader, whose alcoholic mom was never there for her and stood by as her boyfriends abused you. You, dear reader, who has gotten the terrible news her babies stopped growing and is still waiting for them to exit from her womb. You, whose mom has cancer and is probably celebrating her last mother’s day.

You, who along with me, dreads this day for weeks and tries to make it go by with as few tears as possible. (Sometimes easier said than done.)

You are not alone. You are not broken. You are not unloved.

Even as the world puts mothers on a pedestal, please know that you are not worthless because you are not one. You are not worthless because you are now without one.

Our circumstances are powerful, but they don’t dictate who we are.

And so for all of us whose suffering is magnified by the celebration of today, I beseech you to remember:

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34: 18

Jesus wants us to call to Him, to cry out to Him. He has known pain. He has known suffering. He has known betrayal and disappointment. He tells us:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-30

Even when it seems you are suffering alone, even if no one knows the true depth of your sorrow – Jesus does. He keeps track of every doubt, every fear, every tear.

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book? Psalm 56:8

Hang on, fellow suffering sisters and brothers. Tomorrow is a new day. And though our circumstances may be no different, we can lean on Him who is good, loving, kind, compassionate, strong, wise and sovereign.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Oh, how he loves us.