Answered Prayers Upon Answered Prayers

So many answered prayers we’ve seen in the past month and a half since Bryan’s birth- some we didn’t even ask for but the Spirit filled in with groans too deep for words. It can be so easy for me to forget God’s faithfulness but I never want to stop marveling at the intricate story of His goodness through Bryan coming to us.

A quick process. He was born 6 months and 4 days after we mailed our initial application in.

That his birth mom would be drawn towards us. So incredible that she picked us from our book alone before even before meeting us.

Immediate bonding. We loved him from the second we saw him and he seemed to recognize and know us very quickly as well.

Ability to give him breastmilk!! Mine and donor milk at the hospital. Such an unexpected miracle for me to take part in! (I’ll share more about my journey with induced lactation later.)

Easy transition with work. My supervisor, principals and coworkers have been so incredibly supportive and have had no problem with the quickness of my maternity leave.

Using the loss of our first match for huge purposes in our life and family.
- started washing baby clothes and getting ready
- began putting boy accents in his room
- talked to my boss, coworkers and HR and started getting things ready for maternity leave
- bought and received lots of boy clothes
- made a list of what to take to the hospital
- picked out our name
- grew our longing for a son

That God would be sovereign over timing.
- We hoped and felt we’d have a spring baby.
- I felt that getting a spontaneous call would be hard. I wanted a month to get ready. (I got 4 weeks to prepare during our first match.)
- There were literally only 3 days between our first match changing her mind and being considered for our son. If she had waited 3 days to decide or even just tell the social worker we wouldn’t have been considered. Since it was a holiday weekend the social worker was considering waiting until Monday… but decided against it. Often they give adoptive families the option to put their books on hold when a match falls through or give the birthmom a few days. She didn’t give us that option and said “Let’s just consider this not a match. We’ll put your books out there and try to get matched again soon.”
- I was on spring break the week he was born. I wasn’t expected at work and our families thought we were going to the lakehouse. So we were able to keep our wonderful little secret since people knew we were going to be away anyway.

And our biggest answered prayer…
Our son.

He is God’s yes after years and years of nos. The last 4 1/2 years have all led up to him. When I’m holding him in my arms he makes the sorrow of days past melt away. And if infertility is the road we had to walk to get him, he made it worth it. Bryan Robert you were so worth the wait.

My First (Happy) Mother’s Day

Today is my very first Mother’s Day. I’ve waited for years. The past 4 Mother’s Day loomed on the calendar… taunting my barrenness as it came closer and closer. Today- my baby is 6 weeks old. Sometimes I’m still in disbelief.

My mind is full today. I think about what God has done in our family and through our infertility. I remember what it felt like- really felt like- to cope with losses and disappointment and heartbreak.

I know there are so many out there still struggling. Trying to get pregnant although each passing month gets a little harder to hope. Knowing there’s a problem and making the decision to begin infertility treatment. In the midst of the pills and shots and doctors appointments… only to get news of another failed cycle, another negative test. In the adoption process but just waiting and waiting. Matched with a family who changed their mind.

Maybe this day is hard for you because you long to be a mom but haven’t found the right man… you feel so many steps away. Maybe your mother is sick or has recently passed. Maybe your mom has been gone a long time or just was never there for you, never the mother you hoped she’d be. So many emotions and so much heartbreak in any of these situations.

Sisters, hang in there. Cling to Jesus who loves you and cares for you, who weeps with you and counts all your tears. He knows your heart. He knows your story- the past, present and the future. Run to Him with your bleeding heart today.

On top of all those situations there are birth moms- women who choose adoption because they love their children deeply and are missing them today. I think of Bryan’s birth mom. This day may be bitter for her. She’s a mom but someone else is raising her child. Yes, she chose that but that doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

As I was wrapping up her small gift, a wave of emotions washed over me. She was Bryan’s first mom- the woman who got the positive pregnancy test. The one who felt him kicking and moving inside of her. The one who went through hours of tough labor to bring him forth. The one who made the ultimate sacrifice of giving up her desires and placing her child in a family who would raise him. And I am so thankful for her.

Without her, I would not be a mom.

Because of her pain, I can have immense joy. Without her and Bryan’s birth dad, we would not have our incredible son. I will be forever grateful to them.

And so to the infertile and those hurting, just trying to get by today, I wish you comfort and peace. I wish you a day not packed with misery but with surprising little bits of happiness. Endure.

To the moms, I wish you intense gratitude for your children and for the families God has given you. May you feel celebrated today.

And for the birth moms, I pray you know that your decision changed lives and created families. There are women whose dreams came true because of you. I am one of them. And to my son’s birth mom, today I am praising God because of you. You brought forth the miracle that has changed my life. Thank you for choosing life. Thank you for choosing adoption. Thank you for choosing us. Happy Mother’s Day.

Related Posts:
Mother’s Day (15 Reasons I’m Thankful for my Infertility) – 2010
Mother’s Day for the Rest of Us – 2011
Another Mother’s Day – 2012

Happy One Month!

Look who turned a month old last week?

My sweet baby Bryan,
Your daddy and I have been so beyond blessed to have you and be your parents. You have changed our lives in a million good ways. After waiting and wishing and longing for you for 4 1/2 years, you’re finally here. A lot of people have asked me how motherhood compares to how I thought it would be. Did I build it up too much in my mind? Was I naive with thinking of the difficulties? Would it be less amazing than I dreamed?

No. No. And no.

After years of longing, motherhood is even better than I had imagined. Bryan, you are even better than I had imagined. Being your mama is such a joy. Yes it’s sleepy and fussy sometimes and we regularly get peed and spit up on– but you have brightened our days so intensely. We love holding you and changing you and feeding you. We love snuggling with you and wearing you and bathing you. We love when you smile and when you sigh. We love everything about you and are so grateful you are our son.

Bryan, God has revealed so much of his goodness and kindness and love in giving us you. You are such a gift. We pray for you daily that we can raise you well and that you know we love you. We pray you will grow big and strong and that you will know Jesus. We pray that our little family can bring glory to God.

We love you so much buddy boy. Happy one month!

Love,
Your Mama

A Thousand Words

The Story of Our Son – The Big Day (Part 4)

In Ohio, babies have to be at least 72 hours old before the birth parents can relinquish their rights. Basically it means birthparents have 3 days to change their minds. Monday and Tuesday we tried not to think about it much (other than to randomly count down- “36 hours until you’re ours!”) Wednesday was another story.

The social worker was meeting with the birth parents Wednesday night at 8pm and told us she would call us around 8:30 or 8:45. So we had all day to just… wait.

I had underlying anxiety all day. The morning and the afternoon I would randomly take a big breath and Bryan and I would glance knowingly at each others. These nerves were pervasive for us both.

Now remember- on Sunday we decided not to tell anyone and we stuck with that. I’m not sure what possessed us, but not a single soul of friends or family knew where we had been the last 3 days. Keeping the secret was getting a little old and we were so excited to share our joy and our little man… and desperately hoping we wouldn’t have to tell them of another failed match.

I had packed up some of his clothes in a bag that morning and Bryan and I bought a video camera that afternoon. We fully trusted God was in control but we still didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves or do something to jinx it! We left the clothes at the place we were staying and said we could always return the camera. But we SO hoped we wouldn’t have to!

As the day crept (and I mean CREPT) on, I started getting more and more anxious. 5:00… 6:00… deep breathing, pacing. My husband and I later told us each other we both almost threw up. When our last match fell through, we said the saving grace was that at least we didn’t spend 3 days with the baby before the birth mom changed her mind. We were so hoping that wouldnt happen this time. It would be that much more devastating to have a face of the baby we lost, a name- to have kissed him and held him and been his parents for just a few days.

As it got closer, I was intensely aware that he was only hours away from officially joining our family or being gone forever. I held him a little tighter and cried freely. I remember whispering to him, begging him “Please don’t leave me.”

We prayed for him and us all day. At 7:00 the anxiety level was at an all time high… so close, but it still felt like an eternity away. And did we want it to be so close? What if after tonight we never saw him again?

We watched the clock and slowly but surely, 8:00 rolled around. Bryan grabbed both phones and sat next to me, checking them about every 30 seconds. We began to pray, deeply, crying out to God that the child who has become our son would actually become our son.

At 8:45 we got the call. I had Bryan answer it because I was holding our baby and knew I wouldn’t be able to talk through the tears to come. He answered and our social worker got right to the point. “I just got done signing papers with the birth parents- congratulations!”

OH! I just began weeping. My shoulders shaking, my sweet baby sleeping right through it, having no clue of the magnitude of the moment we just experienced. Kisses showered his head. My husband and I had such a joyful moment with our long awaited son.

Some of the nurses knew it was that night and celebrated with us too:) Baby B was sleeping so we put him down and went to call family and friends! It was AMAZING! We cried “We got a baby!” They responded “Wait, what? Like you got matched again?” “No. We got a baby. He’s here. His birth parents just signed the papers. He’s ours.” “Wait, WHAT?!?”

It was so great:) I cried every time I made one of those phone calls just to see their joy at God’s goodness and gift to us.

He was ours. Oh, there’s no feeling like it. The most intense day of our lives culminated in getting our son. We couldn’t be happier. He is ours. We are a family.

Related Posts:

• Part 1 – Preparing the Way
• Part 2 – The Big Surprise
• Part 3 – The First Meeting

Bryan’s Month 1 Milestones

It’s hard to believe but TODAY is Bryan’s 1 month birthday! We have been so utterly blessed in the past month. Time indeed does fly and there’s so much I never want to forget so I wanted to document his milestones here. He’s doing so many new things every day!

Week 0-1

April 1st- April 7th

• Regards face
• Sleep smile
• Tight balled hands
• Tight, not much head lag (not a good thing)
• So hard for him to wake up! Always cracks one eye open first
• Always puts arms up while getting burped so they bounce when I pat him on the back
• Eats 30-60 milliliters

Week 1-2

April 8th-April 14th

• More eye contact
• Longer awake periods
• Goes from deep sleep to STARVING in beginning of week/ then awake for a while before hungry
• Sleep laugh (best thing ever!!)
• 4/9- First big cry after his circumcision
• 4/11- back up to birth weight! Hit a growth spurt and eating more frequently
• 4/12- umbilical cord fell off, began grabbing at our clothes and my necklace
• Growth period/ a couple fussy days at the end of the week
• Eats 75-105 mls

Week 2-3

April 15th- April 21st

• Started wearing 0-3 month clothes
• Loves to snuggle. Usually wakes up when we put him down (and gives us the stink eye if we’re trying to leave!) Has a hard time sleeping in his bassinet for long periods.
• Always holding on to me or my clothes when I hold him
• Making eye contact while feeding sideline
• Turns head from one side to the other when lying on back
• Eats 120- 130 mls (4 ounces!)

Week 3-4

April 22nd- April 27th

• Making lots of eye contact
• Stretching a lot during sleep or when he’s waking up
• 4/22- A few smiles while awake
• 4/25- Finally home!!
• When on belly lying on our chest, raises head up for several seconds and can take it from one side to the other
• Cooing
• Grunts a lot
• Turns head side to side when on back
• Looking at lights
• Eats 4-5 ounces
• 4/27 – FIRST RESPONSIVE SMILES!!! At 2:45pm when Mama was making funny noises. So wonderful. I cried:)

Top 10 April Favorites

1. Aden and Anais blankets. So multi-use! Large, lightweight, soft and adorable patterns. Love these! (I have Goodnight Owl, Oh Boy!, and Bamboo Blankets in Moonlight – these ones are even SOFTER than the regular – crazy!)

2. My “Mom” bead that I finally got to put on my bracelet. My husband bought it for me for Christmas :)

3. Baby cardigan. Isn’t it the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? My man is a growing boy so he maxed out his newborn clothes in about 3 weeks. Gotta get some new ones in bigger sizes! :)

4. Maxi skirts & Button ups. My now regular come-on-springtime, comfy-snuggle-with-my-baby wear.

5. My awesome Northface backpack. The winner of the last month. I first bought this for flying and it is SUCH a great way to pack a bunch of stuff and not break your back wearing it. Lots of pockets, padded back and straps, easy tightening straps for extra comfort for short people like me, clips to add support at your back and waist and water bottle holders. Love this. So multi- purpose.

6. iPad. I go in phases with use but it’s gotten double time over the past month.

7. In ear noise canceling headphones. To use with #6. For the first 2 1/2 weeks, I just stared at my son while he slept on me for 3 hours. In the past couple weeks I’ve started watching shows on Hulu and Netflix. Very nice.

8. Dry shampoo. Have you drank the kool-aid yet? I was hesitant to try it for a long time but I have no clue why! It was a lifesaver for when I spent nights in a hospital recliner :)

9. Spring weather! Ahh!!! So great to take walks in!

10. The Jesus Storybook Bible. Bryan and I started reading this to Bryan when he was just a few days old. It is SO good. Much of the time we end up crying because of how good God is and how much Jesus loves us. So well written- for kids AND parents. (Thanks Mark and Michelle!)

Related Posts:

• January Favorites
• February Favorites
• March Favorites