The doctors originally told us 1-2 months. It sounded like a long time but we were willing to do whatever we needed for Bryan to come home and be healthy. The first two weeks were such an emotional high from getting our baby it didn’t seem hard that he was still in the hospital. The last couple weeks started to get a little old. Thankfully the doctors had given us a probable time we could come home and it was getting closer!

We were told Friday, April 26th was the day. I spent the night there Wednesday and he had an awesome night. At rounds Thursday morning they did their report then said “So we were thinking of discharging today or tomorrow.” My ears perked when they said today but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. The doctor- a man of few words- looked at me and said “Mom, what do you prefer?”

“We’d LOVE to go home today if we can.” “Okay,” he said. “Today it is.”

Ahhh!! After 24 days in the NICU, we were actually getting to bring our baby home! I quickly called Bryan to share our great news! I drove home to get the car seat and other things and so Bryan and I wouldn’t be driving two separate cars.

After installing hundreds of car seats I now got to install one for MY child! So great.

We drove up there, packed up our stuff, got his hearing test and went through discharge. Soon enough, we were saying goodbye to our nurses and walking him out the door. Walking into the fresh air was so freeing- Bryan hadn’t ever felt that before!

I put his car seat in and sat down in the back next to him. He has never heard music before and Bryan and I had talked about what we wanted his first song to be.

Throughout the adoption process, there has been one song that felt the cry of my heart. It’s the song I listened to after we painted the nursery… when I was driving away, house completely dark but a single light in that window. Hope beckoning. It was what I listened to driving home from my gorgeous baby shower, joy searing my heart. Hope growing. It was what we sang at church just a few weeks before he was born. Hope almost culminated.

Oh! How He Loves Us.

Tears filled my eyes as the magnitude of God’s love was so present driving home with our son. My heart could not shout the depth of gratitude it felt. We prayed and praised God for the mighty work He has done in our family and for blessing us with this precious gift.

Bryan asked “What do you want to listen to next?” “Something good,” I said.

The next cords made me break out in weeping. As the lyrics began I remembered the first time my husband played this in the car for me: after our first miscarriage, dashed hopes and shattered dreams.

Farther along, we’ll know all about it.
Farther along, we’ll understand why.
So cheer up my brothers.
Live in the sunshine.
We’ll understand it, all by and by.

Our whole journey of infertility flashed before my eyes. The heartbreak, longing, losses and sorrows all led to this sweet baby next to me. He was what God had planned all along. Bryan was who God was thinking of when He whispered to my heart “It’ll be okay. Don’t give up… Not yet.”

In an instant it all came rushing forward. The magnitude of it all. This heavy journey that led to this intense mind blowing joy. It was over. Our longing to have a baby had been fulfilled. It was almost too much. I was crying so hard, head in my hands, chest heaving. All our pain led up to this moment. It was beautiful. God lifted back the veil even more and let me see the loveliness of His face. Reminded me that His withholding was because of love, not punishment. Reminded me that He knew my sorrow would only last a season, that joy truly does come with the morning.

And now, we start anew. Infertility will always be a part of my story, of Bryan’s story… But now it has a happy ending. Jesus has revealed so much of His mercy and kindness and love, my heart could explode. We are so thankful. We are forever changed.

So many answered prayers we’ve seen in the past month and a half since Bryan’s birth- some we didn’t even ask for but the Spirit filled in with groans too deep for words. It can be so easy for me to forget God’s faithfulness but I never want to stop marveling at the intricate story of His goodness through Bryan coming to us.

A quick process. He was born 6 months and 4 days after we mailed our initial application in.

That his birth mom would be drawn towards us. So incredible that she picked us from our book alone before even before meeting us.

Immediate bonding. We loved him from the second we saw him and he seemed to recognize and know us very quickly as well.

Ability to give him breastmilk!! Mine and donor milk at the hospital. Such an unexpected miracle for me to take part in! (I’ll share more about my journey with induced lactation later.)

Easy transition with work. My supervisor, principals and coworkers have been so incredibly supportive and have had no problem with the quickness of my maternity leave.

Using the loss of our first match for huge purposes in our life and family.
- started washing baby clothes and getting ready
- began putting boy accents in his room
- talked to my boss, coworkers and HR and started getting things ready for maternity leave
- bought and received lots of boy clothes
- made a list of what to take to the hospital
- picked out our name
- grew our longing for a son

That God would be sovereign over timing.
- We hoped and felt we’d have a spring baby.
- I felt that getting a spontaneous call would be hard. I wanted a month to get ready. (I got 4 weeks to prepare during our first match.)
- There were literally only 3 days between our first match changing her mind and being considered for our son. If she had waited 3 days to decide or even just tell the social worker we wouldn’t have been considered. Since it was a holiday weekend the social worker was considering waiting until Monday… but decided against it. Often they give adoptive families the option to put their books on hold when a match falls through or give the birthmom a few days. She didn’t give us that option and said “Let’s just consider this not a match. We’ll put your books out there and try to get matched again soon.”
- I was on spring break the week he was born. I wasn’t expected at work and our families thought we were going to the lakehouse. So we were able to keep our wonderful little secret since people knew we were going to be away anyway.

And our biggest answered prayer…
Our son.

He is God’s yes after years and years of nos. The last 4 1/2 years have all led up to him. When I’m holding him in my arms he makes the sorrow of days past melt away. And if infertility is the road we had to walk to get him, he made it worth it. Bryan Robert you were so worth the wait.

Today is my very first Mother’s Day. I’ve waited for years. The past 4 Mother’s Day loomed on the calendar… taunting my barrenness as it came closer and closer. Today- my baby is 6 weeks old. Sometimes I’m still in disbelief.

My mind is full today. I think about what God has done in our family and through our infertility. I remember what it felt like- really felt like- to cope with losses and disappointment and heartbreak.

I know there are so many out there still struggling. Trying to get pregnant although each passing month gets a little harder to hope. Knowing there’s a problem and making the decision to begin infertility treatment. In the midst of the pills and shots and doctors appointments… only to get news of another failed cycle, another negative test. In the adoption process but just waiting and waiting. Matched with a family who changed their mind.

Maybe this day is hard for you because you long to be a mom but haven’t found the right man… you feel so many steps away. Maybe your mother is sick or has recently passed. Maybe your mom has been gone a long time or just was never there for you, never the mother you hoped she’d be. So many emotions and so much heartbreak in any of these situations.

Sisters, hang in there. Cling to Jesus who loves you and cares for you, who weeps with you and counts all your tears. He knows your heart. He knows your story- the past, present and the future. Run to Him with your bleeding heart today.

On top of all those situations there are birth moms- women who choose adoption because they love their children deeply and are missing them today. I think of Bryan’s birth mom. This day may be bitter for her. She’s a mom but someone else is raising her child. Yes, she chose that but that doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

As I was wrapping up her small gift, a wave of emotions washed over me. She was Bryan’s first mom- the woman who got the positive pregnancy test. The one who felt him kicking and moving inside of her. The one who went through hours of tough labor to bring him forth. The one who made the ultimate sacrifice of giving up her desires and placing her child in a family who would raise him. And I am so thankful for her.

Without her, I would not be a mom.

Because of her pain, I can have immense joy. Without her and Bryan’s birth dad, we would not have our incredible son. I will be forever grateful to them.

And so to the infertile and those hurting, just trying to get by today, I wish you comfort and peace. I wish you a day not packed with misery but with surprising little bits of happiness. Endure.

To the moms, I wish you intense gratitude for your children and for the families God has given you. May you feel celebrated today.

And for the birth moms, I pray you know that your decision changed lives and created families. There are women whose dreams came true because of you. I am one of them. And to my son’s birth mom, today I am praising God because of you. You brought forth the miracle that has changed my life. Thank you for choosing life. Thank you for choosing adoption. Thank you for choosing us. Happy Mother’s Day.

Related Posts:
Mother’s Day (15 Reasons I’m Thankful for my Infertility) – 2010
Mother’s Day for the Rest of Us – 2011
Another Mother’s Day – 2012

My sweet baby Bryan,
Your daddy and I have been so beyond blessed to have you and be your parents. You have changed our lives in a million good ways. After waiting and wishing and longing for you for 4 1/2 years, you’re finally here. A lot of people have asked me how motherhood compares to how I thought it would be. Did I build it up too much in my mind? Was I naive with thinking of the difficulties? Would it be less amazing than I dreamed?

No. No. And no.

After years of longing, motherhood is even better than I had imagined. Bryan, you are even better than I had imagined. Being your mama is such a joy. Yes it’s sleepy and fussy sometimes and we regularly get peed and spit up on– but you have brightened our days so intensely. We love holding you and changing you and feeding you. We love snuggling with you and wearing you and bathing you. We love when you smile and when you sigh. We love everything about you and are so grateful you are our son.

Bryan, God has revealed so much of his goodness and kindness and love in giving us you. You are such a gift. We pray for you daily that we can raise you well and that you know we love you. We pray you will grow big and strong and that you will know Jesus. We pray that our little family can bring glory to God.

We love you so much buddy boy. Happy one month!

Love,
Your Mama