It’s my 2nd Mother’s day where I wish I could have celebrated. It’s actually perfect timing that we’re still on vacation (and will be rejoining up with MY mother tonight!) so I can celebrate her and be a little distracted by being in paradise:) But it still could be really easy for me to wallow today and struggle with doubt, jealousy and discontentment. But I’m choosing not to. I want to fight sin and so, I have decided I would make a list.
15 Reasons I’m Thankful for Infertility:
1. Because it’s my first long-term struggle in my life and has caused the biggest felt need for me to cling onto Jesus in a long time. (I always need to cling to Jesus, but just don’t always feel that heart stopping, intense NEED to cling onto Him as you do in suffering)
2. Because I am growing in holding onto promises that don’t feel true – Knowing that if God says he is good and mighty and faithful, He is.
3. I have had to be vulnerable with friends and let them love me and support me. It’s really easy for me to want to put on a good face or talk about what I’m struggling with AFTER I have it all figured out. But over the past year and a half (especially the past 6 months) I’ve HAD to get real with people. I’ve had to let people in to my core. And tell them what I’m doubting and let them call out sin and comfort me and sweetly remind me of our Father’s good promises.
4. I’ve realized over and over what an amazing community I have. In The Oaks, friends elsewhere. I am eternally grateful for how people have prayed for us and held us up and continue to do so – and I know WILL continue to do so, no matter what the future may hold.
5. I am able to grow in nurturing – my relationship with the Lord, my marriage, friendships, girls I disciple.
6. My husband continues to grow in supporting me, calling out my sin and leading me towards the cross.
7. I have felt completely helpless. Completely out of control (because I am!) And it has killed my pride and made me trust Jesus. Because he IS in control. He could open up my womb this second if he wanted to.
8. I feel like I have had moments where I am “well acquainted with grief.” Jesus is described this way in Isaiah 53 – a man of sorrows, familiar with suffering. I have been better able to step into other people’s suffering – break ups, losses, sickness – because even though the circumstances are completely different some of the pain and doubts and struggles are the same.
9. Because of that, it has made me a better and more understanding friend. It has increased the way I love, care and pray for people. It has made me more intentional to ask how people are doing – really doing. And know it’s okay if I have nothing to say, or just to cry together a little while.
10. It has made me deal with my idol of motherhood, getting pregnant “normally”, experiencing pregnancy, labor and delivery, breastfeeding and having a big family. That’s a continual battle, but it’s been great to ALREADY begin to work through that before I even, God willing, have any of it!! I still think all those things are amazing and would love to experience them on my own if that glorifies Jesus. But He’s made me realize these are NOT ultimate things – He is the ultimate thing. He alone is my treasure.
11. It has humbled me. It’s been really easy to get caught up in my narrow world, my problems, my day-to-day treatments and issues – and God has over and over revealed how vast and mighty He is. He is so big and powerful and is doing so much more than my narrow little view could see.
12. It has sobered me up a little. In a good way. I used to think joy was this happy-go-lucky excitement because life was easy and good! Now I realize that joy in the Lord is not a feeling, but that deep-rooted belief that GOD is good! It’s when your head and heart knows – that even through the valley, He is with us, He is our Father and our God, and worthy to be praised!! That even though things aren’t going the way you would have liked them to, it is good because it brings honor to our Creator God and is for OUR good as well! And not only that but when you understand the gospel – that we are completely sinful, deserving of God’s wrath and Jesus Christ took that upon Himself, reconciling us to God, giving us a new heart and a new life – your joy comes from deep within. The gospel changes everything!!
13. I know that God plans our family, not us. When we have children (either biologically or through adoption), we will know that He has brought them to us and it is not because of anything else. Nothing we’ve done, nothing the doctors have done – it’s all Him.
14. The Lord has brought me to a place where I’ve realized – and truly believe – that God’s plan is MUCH better than mine is! No, this wouldn’t be how I would have planned my life. But I’m trusting that it truly is better. I’m believing that I will know Jesus more and have more joy for going through infertility – no matter what the outcome – than we would have if we got pregnant right away, had healthy babies and were able to get pregnant again and again whenever we wanted to. I’m praying I can hold on to this conviction, no matter what the future may hold!
15. No matter how and when the Lord decides to grow our family (adoption has been on my heart a LOT lately), I will know that those good gifts are from Him and are His. No matter if we have a child for 6 weeks, 2 years or 65 years, I desire to be thankful for God’s gifts no matter how long he has given them. He is our God – worthy to be praised!!!
To those who are celebrating today – Happy Mother’s Day!!! I pray you enjoy the miracles God has entrusted to you and praise Him for them! To those with me – I am praying for you that you know the gospel and can trust Jesus’ plan for your life… and through that, to experience JOY!