I have been learning a lot about hope. The past couple months I have realized how much I have fallen short in this and, as a result, have been reorienting myself to hope in the Lord. I am clinging onto what He tells me is true and believing that the promises He says will be fulfilled.
For a while – even though I didn’t realize it at the time – my hope was so much in having a family, getting pregnant, this cycle or this medicine or this treatment. In the past couple months I have been giving this battle over to the Lord and repenting (and repenting and repenting) and trying to hold fast to what Jesus says is true. Because quite frankly- anything else I put my hope in will let me down. No matter how amazing something is, it pales in comparison to the Lord of the universe, King of kings. He alone can fill the void that we are trying to fill. He alone is good and worthy to be praised! He is mighty, powerful, sovereign, loving, faithful and good. He knows my future and He is my Father, who cares about me more than anyone else. In whatever you are going through – I urge you to hope in Jesus Christ!
But as I’ve been trying to hope in Jesus, it’s so easy for me to be all or nothing. I’ll think “okay I’m hoping in the Lord! That means that I don’t want to put my hope in having a family, so we’re probably never going to have kids or no treatment will ever work – can’t have any hope in that.” Why am I so black and white?!? Undetermined.
My sweet friend Emily Weller mentioned something in triad the other night when I was talking about this that made so much sense for me. It’s hard for me to hope for something tangible because it makes me vulnerable. It sets up a situation for God to say “No.” Keep in mind, when He says no, it is out of love and He is saying yes to so much more. But it’s scary to boldly ask Him for something and Him to say “No” or even “Not right now.” It’s sometimes easier to just pretend we don’t care what happens so whatever it is we can say – “sure! That’s fine.” Even though we’re lying to Him and to ourselves. (and newsflash – He’s not fooled).
I’ve recently realized that hoping IN and hoping FOR are two totally different things. It is a sin to put my hope in getting pregnant. It’s not one for me to hope FOR a big, God honoring biological family. Fear can prevent me from hoping because I’m afraid of the disappointment if what I want to happen does not. But I can’t live my life with that fear. Because no matter what – God is sovereign and He is good, even if my circumstances wouldn’t naturally lead me to say that.
Molly Piper has a blog and recently put up a few posts about hope that my heart just gravitated towards. (In case you don’t know her story, she heartbreakingly lost her daughter stillborn at 40 weeks…. she has two sons and now – Praise God! – is currently pregnant with TWINS – one boy, one girl!! Amazing!) But in one post she talked about being afraid to hope and the process you go through with healing and the questions you ask God. One of my favorite parts about that post is where she asks “How can I hope in God (who gives and takes away) and not get that tangled into my circumstances?” And – unfortunately for us – she doesn’t give us the answer:) But… in another post she wrote about having a baby shower, entitled “I will Prepare in Hope” and I absolutely LOVED that title.
I resonate with that. I don’t necessarily know what it looks like to have this type of balanced hope, but I want to trust Him and prepare in hope for what He has in store for us, putting my fear aside and being transparent with Him and others.
So – – as we are moving things along again, with hundreds of unknowns ahead of us in the next few months, I am hoping. I am hoping in the Lord. And yes, I am hoping for a baby, for a family.
Will you hope with me?