Unwanted Deja Vu

September’s coming. I love Autumn- pumpkin muffins, my new boots, crisp fall air, crunchy leaves and pumpkin spice Yankee candles. But as we’ve been sneaking closer, it’s been a little solemn for me.

This time last year we had been through a lot of medication, four failed IUIs and lots of tears. We were getting ready to begin injectables- which at the time seemed very promising, but would turn into the last two cycles of infertility treatment.

Honestly, most of the time, it seems like yesterday. I never thought we’d reach the end of our options and walk away without a biological baby. That pain is still fresh. During our injectable cycles, I had a doctor appointment every day or every other day to get bloodwork and ultrasounds. I literally saw my nurses more than my own family. And sometimes I’d swing by the Starbucks down the road before heading into the office.

It was a very strange thing. My mornings were filled with bloodwork and bruised veins, counting and measuring eggs via ultrasound; my afternoons were interrupted by a doctor’s call reporting estradiol levels and prescribing that night’s amount of medication; evenings were scheduled around giving myself shots in the stomach at 8:45 — no matter where I was (church, friend’s houses, wedding receptions…). Yet through all of it, life went on. I had to go to work, put on a professional face, do my paperwork and see families.

Injectables were so consuming, that I had to have some “transition time” between doctor appointments and heading into the office each day. Starbucks pumpkin spiced lattes were my happy comfort. I would sit on the patio outside, pour my heart out to the Lord, read some scripture and sip on my latte. It was really precious time that helped me compartmentalize my life and be able to press on- no matter how disorganized and distraught my mind felt.

And so as autumn creeps closer, I am planning on enjoying my absolute favorite- pumpkin spice lattes. Yet I know a hint of that deja vu will exist each time. I am confident that Jesus is continuing to redeem our infertility, we’re just not through the darkness yet…


About jackielopina

Follower of Jesus, Pastor's Wife, Cookie Baker.
This entry was posted in Infertility, Jesus, Sanctification and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Unwanted Deja Vu

  1. great post. I’m confident that you and Bryan WILL extend your family one way or another in the future and when that happens you will be able to enjoy your PSL in a whole new way, remembering the long road you traveled to get there.

  2. Kelly says:

    Love you friend.

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