We talked and prayed through IVF and decided it wasn’t right for us. So the question was- what now? Do we move forward with infant adoption? Do we go back and try the previous medications a few more times? Do we give up and live child free?
One of the hardest parts of living in the moment is this reality- if we don’t do something extreme, we would NEVER have children (other than by a miracle of God.) That’s a momentous fear that those who are physically able to bear children will never know.
Even though sometimes the continual disappointment can lead me to the temptation of throwing in the towel, we realized we couldn’t. Once I actually told Bryan I was done. I shared that I couldn’t keep trying, I couldn’t keep facing disappointment again and again. We decided we couldn’t do IVF and even the thought of beginning the intricate and stressful process of infant adoption overwhelmed me. I felt like we were being told we could never have children and I just needed to live in that bitter reality of the two of us living with the pain of childlessness forever.
And my husband told me “No.”
He said “I refuse to let us give up. We haven’t been told we’re not supposed to have kids– just not yet, or just not the way we’ve tried so far.”
I’m sure there are people who feel they’re not supposed to have children, but as of now, we’re not them. I am so thankful for my husband fighting for us, leading us so well through this trial. I would have become a bitter, joyless old woman without him.
So we looked through options and prayed. My job has made infertility a little more difficult. Remember how I recently became a CLC? I’ve learned the incredible wonders of breastfeeding and LOVE IT. I teach first time moms all about pregnancy. I talk about fetal development, the impact of what you put into your body on your baby and the intense bond that begins in the womb. I always tell my mamas how their babies have known them 9 months longer than anyone else, how they know their Mom’s voice, they recognize their walk and are comforted by their smell. And it broke my heart that I might never get to experience this things with my children, that the first time I meet them may be when they’re just born or- heck, when they have lived a few years.
Now I FULLY realize that attachment can begin at any point and even if you adopt a 17 year old who’s lived through a lot of hell, the bond you create with them will change their life. I love adoption and I’m not trying to take anything away from those amazing, incredibly loving and strong adoptive mamas. I’m just being real about what this process has looked like for us. With all these thoughts mulling around in your minds, the next question is…
So now what?!?