One of my 26 goals was the following:
25. Trust Christ in the story He has for us. Give Him my anxieties, worries and stress. Keep my eyes off of others’ blessings and babies and know that it does not concern me. Run to Jesus. Trust that God is good.
The year we were going through treatment, I processed through a lot of different thoughts and emotions. One of them was a sense of grief at our story – the story God had planned for us. We firmly believe that God is completely in control of everything that happens and that His hand is graciously involved in whatever happens to us – for our good and His ultimate glory! However, when your story involves suffering, disappointment and undesired circumstances, it can be hard to see His goodness through this.
There has not been a second I questioned whether God was in control of my infertility. But I often questioned his goodness. I wondered why – even though He could create a miracle – time after time, he would not for us. I knew He was in control and I was desperately trying to believe and cling to His goodness… but at times I began to grieve the story He had planned for us, our story.
As I was processing through grieving our story I had a moment of clarity.
Who’s story is it?
I stopped in my tracks. The whole of Creation from beginning to end seeks to magnify Jesus and bring God glory. Colossians 1 says
“For by Him (Jesus) all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.”
… why would this be any different?
And somehow as the Holy Spirit pulled myself out of the consuming self absorption that can come in suffering, I began to realize my infertility is not just the story God has planned for our lives, but it is an integral part of His story.
Our suffering can bring Him glory. By His grace and merciful love He has shown me glimpses of it. I trust Him so much deeper. Our marriage is stronger and we are more in love with one another and Jesus than we ever were. My husband is a more mature and godly leader. We can empathize better with those who are suffering, because we’ve walked in their shoes. We’ve been able to encourage and care for others walking through infertility, showing them how to cling to the cross of Jesus while walking this barren path.
And I am confident that He will continue to gain more and more glory. I hope soon He brings this season to a close for a little bit. I hope and pray that growing our family and bringing children into it will magnify Him and shout His name from the rooftops.
But for now… I am no longer grieving “my story,” but trusting Jesus that He loves us and keeps us and this is all a part of His Story.
I pray that whether you are walking through joy or sorrow, you can remember this glorious truth today.