On Friday, January 27th – 9 days past our 5 day transfer, we got the call.
The call we’ve been waiting 9 days for…
The call we’ve been waiting 3 years for…
The call we’ve been waiting our whole lives for…
We were shocked and elated!! Never have we ever heard those words and our joy was palpable. After we got off the phone, we were hugging and I was just weeping in my husband’s chest, overcome with the joy of years and years of asking God for this. We were in awe and so surprised. We praised God for his goodness to us in our lives and the life of our little one.
My nurse told us our number was a little low (they usually like them between 50-100 and ours was 35.) However, they said they’ve seen healthy babies born at an 8, so I wasn’t too concerned. We were to go back in 2 days and make sure our numbers doubled so we could be in the clear and know our babe was doing okay!
Unfortunately that wasn’t to be.
I had my blood drawn Sunday morning. After waiting all day, we got a phone call at about 4:30:
“I’ve got bad news… your number only went up to 37.5. Dr Hofmann wants you to stop taking your medicines. I’m really sorry.”
We lost our baby.
Only 2 glorious days of pregnancy (although the previous 9 we were “technically” pregnant.) We found out our baby stopped growing when we were 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I passed our sweet one a week later. We were sad and confused as to why it happened this way. We were so, so hopeful that we were (finally, gloriously!) on our way out of our long term suffering. I was really hoping once we got pregnant things might be easier, hoping I’d never have to join the miscarriage club.
Unfortunately that wasn’t what God had planned for us.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that OH, praise the Lord WE WERE PREGNANT!!! Never, ever had that happened before and it previously seemed IMPOSSIBLE. But by God’s grace and mercy, He DID THE IMPOSSIBLE! As the angel says after sharing news of barren Elizabeth’s pregnancy, “nothing is impossible with God!” Luke 1:37
We’re so sad we lost our baby, mourning over the lives of our two embryos. Sad our first cycle of embryo adoption wasn’t to be. Disappointed that our first pregnancy ended in loss. But oh, even those 2 days were so glorious. We are so thankful for our baby’s short life and our years of answered prayer in pregnancy. We’re thankful that chemical pregnancies are common and neither we nor the doctors did anything wrong. (Most early miscarriages are usually caused by the baby having chromosomal abnormalities.) We’re so thankful for our two babies, even though most of the time we knew them they were chillin’ in the freezer:) We are processing through this and trying to move forward, one small step at a time.
Throughout our infertility journey, God has taught us so much about persevering. We have endured through so many things and this is just one more difficult step. We know that God is good, sovereign, merciful, loving and faithful. We know that even though He took our babies to be with Him that we can trust Him. He loves us.
Unfortunately our long term suffering is not over. But whether it ends with a baby to hold or seeing Jesus face to face- praise the Lord – each day, we’re a little bit closer…