The Long Anticipated Result – 1/27

On Friday, January 27th – 9 days past our 5 day transfer, we got the call.

The call we’ve been waiting 9 days for…

The call we’ve been waiting 3 years for…

The call we’ve been waiting our whole lives for…

PREGNANT!!!

We were shocked and elated!! Never have we ever heard those words and our joy was palpable. After we got off the phone, we were hugging and I was just weeping in my husband’s chest, overcome with the joy of years and years of asking God for this. We were in awe and so surprised. We praised God for his goodness to us in our lives and the life of our little one.

My nurse told us our number was a little low (they usually like them between 50-100 and ours was 35.) However, they said they’ve seen healthy babies born at an 8, so I wasn’t too concerned. We were to go back in 2 days and make sure our numbers doubled so we could be in the clear and know our babe was doing okay!

Unfortunately that wasn’t to be.

I had my blood drawn Sunday morning. After waiting all day, we got a phone call at about 4:30:

“I’ve got bad news… your number only went up to 37.5. Dr Hofmann wants you to stop taking your medicines. I’m really sorry.”

We lost our baby.

Only 2 glorious days of pregnancy (although the previous 9 we were “technically” pregnant.) We found out our baby stopped growing when we were 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I passed our sweet one a week later. We were sad and confused as to why it happened this way. We were so, so hopeful that we were (finally, gloriously!) on our way out of our long term suffering. I was really hoping once we got pregnant things might be easier, hoping I’d never have to join the miscarriage club.

Unfortunately that wasn’t what God had planned for us.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that OH, praise the Lord WE WERE PREGNANT!!! Never, ever had that happened before and it previously seemed IMPOSSIBLE. But by God’s grace and mercy, He DID THE IMPOSSIBLE! As the angel says after sharing news of barren Elizabeth’s pregnancy, “nothing is impossible with God!” Luke 1:37

We’re so sad we lost our baby, mourning over the lives of our two embryos. Sad our first cycle of embryo adoption wasn’t to be. Disappointed that our first pregnancy ended in loss. But oh, even those 2 days were so glorious. We are so thankful for our baby’s short life and our years of answered prayer in pregnancy. We’re thankful that chemical pregnancies are common and neither we nor the doctors did anything wrong. (Most early miscarriages are usually caused by the baby having chromosomal abnormalities.) We’re so thankful for our two babies, even though most of the time we knew them they were chillin’ in the freezer:) We are processing through this and trying to move forward, one small step at a time.

Throughout our infertility journey, God has taught us so much about persevering. We have endured through so many things and this is just one more difficult step. We know that God is good, sovereign, merciful, loving and faithful. We know that even though He took our babies to be with Him that we can trust Him. He loves us.

Unfortunately our long term suffering is not over. But whether it ends with a baby to hold or seeing Jesus face to face- praise the Lord – each day, we’re a little bit closer…

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About jackielopina

Follower of Jesus, Pastor's Wife, Cookie Baker.
This entry was posted in Embryo Adoption, Infertility, Suffering and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to The Long Anticipated Result – 1/27

  1. Bird says:

    I’m sorry for your loss…I have no words, but I’m glad that you have Jesus to lean on and learn from.

    God Bless…

  2. :((((((((((
    Again thank you for sharing.I had many emotions from just reading this- I cannot imagine the reality. Sigh. And I am so sorry for you…

  3. BT says:

    I found your blog a few months ago, and I have been following your journey over the last 10 days. I was so excited for you two b/c I thought you were going to tell us that you are almost 2 months pregnant! I’m so sorry for your loss! My husband and I are just over the 1 year mark of going through fertility treatments, and I wanted you to know that I understand what you are going through! I hope both of us get our miracles soon! Praying for you and your husband!

    • jackielopina says:

      BT I am so sorry you and your husband have been walking this road too. Failed infertility treatments just do something to your heart don’t they? Thanks for reading, your condolences and prayers. Hoping we both reach the end of our road soon…

  4. Kate Titus says:

    Love you guys so much.

  5. abbrogle says:

    Oh Jackie…we’ve been there and it hurts, so much. But you’re right in praising Him for the giving of those two little lives even for just a moment. I know the joy you feel when you hear those words and I know the sadness that overwhelms two days later when the nurse relays the unfortunate words. But He’s good and we’re praying He’ll do it again, with lives that were meant to flourish and live here, in this broken world!

  6. Lauren says:

    Thank you for your honesty. I’ve been following your journey, as mine is similar (though not nearly so treatment-advanced). My heart lept in joy with your bold “pregnancy” announcement, and I felt tears crowd my eyes with the news that ultimately this precious baby was not to be. I’ve been wrestling with God this weekend over why . . . why would the impossible seem so near at hand, but yet so far away. Thank you for encouraging me in the Lord. I am so sorry for your loss and pray that soon a positive, LASTING pregnancy results in at least one baby in your arms. Hugs!

    • jackielopina says:

      Lauren thanks so much for reading. It is so encouraging for me to hear that through sharing our sorrows that others are encouraged and lifted up. Thanks for your prayers!!!

  7. em says:

    love you dear friend. praying with you and for you. He won’t turn away from doing good to you (jeremiah 32.40)!

  8. Erin says:

    I am so happy for you and also sharing in your sorrow. I know how good it feels to finally see preg. after so long but also how negative after negative feels as well. I am praying that success be the next time around. I encourage you to try again, it took several tries for us thru IVF. I pray the Lord grants you children. My heart aches for yours. Your faith is awesome!

  9. Katie says:

    Prayers to you as always. You have great faith, friend and I admire that. Keep seeking Him.

  10. Sarah Cosper says:

    I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing and being real. I am so so sorry and hurting for you. May God continue to give you that peace that surpasses all understanding.

  11. Michelle says:

    I woke up this morning so eager to read your final blog post of this progression and like other people have said, I was so excited to see the word pregnant. And then so devastated to read the rest. I shared it with Mark and we were both so amazed and inspired by your ability to trust and praise the Lord with a heart that is hurting so deeply. If you ever wonder if your journey is producing fruit, it is. Your faith and your proclamation of His goodness in the midst of pain that is hard to understand brings Him glory and spurs others on. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • jackielopina says:

      Michelle thanks for sharing in our brief joy and our sorrow and for the affirmation that this suffering is producing fruit. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like that:) Hope you all are doing well

  12. Abigail says:

    Even though I don’t know you, I have been so blessed by your blog posts in the last several months and have been eagerly reading your entries about the fertility treatments, hoping SO much that you had a happy announcement to share with all of us. I just want to give you a big hug and cry with you for a while, knowing how much the disappointment hurts and how hard it can be at times to trust God’s goodness through the grieving.

    Ironically, my husband and I lost our first child (the first time I’d gotten pregnant at all, after 15 months of TTC) on Saturday, January 27 of this year, just a day before you got your disappointing news. I was just about a week farther along than you and had gotten the positive pregnancy test just a few days earlier. Despite the sharp grief of releasing out little one into Jesus’ arms, it was such a joy to be pregnant and carry our child, even for such a short time. I am glad you got to experience that as well. You and I *are* mothers, even though we will have to wait until heaven to hold our babies! That is a privilege in itself, and one I am trying to focus on as we continue to wait for another child and pray about what God may have us do next.

    May our Father hold you close and dry your tears. :hugs: I know the grief is still very keen even 2 months later, and it is hard to think of hoping again. *He knows*, and He has a plan in it all. Thank you for your transparency and for inspiring so many with your faith in the midst of this difficult road.

    • jackielopina says:

      Oh Abigail, my heart grieves for you in your loss… on a weekend of heartbreaking news for both of us. Your words spoke to so much of my heart, especially in the fear that produces and how hard it is to hope again. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your story. There is some comfort in the sisterhood of suffering – and although I wish neither of us had to walk this journey, it’s a beautiful thing that we can hold onto Jesus together and know that He is so much sweeter than even the sweetest baby. Thank you for your encouraging words. Hugs to you too:)

      • Abigail says:

        Thank you for your sweet reply…you are right that it does help just to know that we are not alone in the grieving and the waiting, in the hopes and disappointments. Wish we could sit down and have a face-to-face chat about it all, as it is so uplifting just to share with someone who *gets it* because they’ve been there, too. I can only imagine how much more difficult your loss is than mine, after you have been waiting even longer, and after you have invested so much in various treatments. :hugs:

        I am finding I have so much more to learn about trusting God – all the same lessons I *thought* I learned in my single years (I was 29 when I met my husband; 30 when we married). :) He’s packed a lot of lessons in trust into these almost 18 months of marriage, and hard as it has been I’m thankful for how it has drawn me closer to Him and to my husband. Joe has been SO sweet and strong and steady through all of this…don’t know what I’d do without him. I’m glad your husband is there for you, too. :)

        • jackielopina says:

          Amen sister! I thought I had this whole “trusting God” thing figured out… Although I guess it’s not too hard when life is going the way you want it to:) Praying that even through the tears and fears, Jesus’ goodness and faithfulness will become so real to you. Oh, how He loves us!

  13. Sara says:

    Prayers for you, your husband, and for the plan God has yet for your life.

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