If you’ve been following our infertility story, you know that we recently tried Embryo Donation. We got 2 beautiful embryos, they both survived the thaw and we FINALLY got a positive pregnancy test! Unfortunately, our numbers didn’t increase like they should and we had a chemical pregnancy – an early miscarriage.
And so that brings us to the last few months. After our bad news, my nurse worked really hard for us and was able to get us 2 more embryos!! These 2 are the biological siblings of our first babies and we were able to do our 2nd FET very soon afterwards.
Our treatment plan was the same, although I began getting very nervous that our miscarriage happened because of my lining (7.2mm 5 days before transfer) and scared that it would be as thin next time and cause the same thing. I was thrilled when we went in to get it checked and it was 8.5mm!! I told Bryan, the results could always be negative or the same thing could happen but at least I wouldn’t worry it was from that.
We went in the morning of the transfer and were devastated that only one embryo survived the thaw. We had a grade 1 (best) and grade 2 and unfortunately the grade 1 was the one that didn’t make it. Last time we had a grade 1.5 and 2, so just transferring the single 2 grade was so hard… even as they were doing the transfer it was easy for me to feel like it was a waste of time and that little guy wasn’t going to make it. I had to keep myself from crying the whole time – sad tears, not excited, hopeful and happy tears like last time. After our nurse left I just broke down. So different than the beautiful experience we had the first time.
I worked really hard to rest as much as possible and did complete bed rest for 2+ days. As I was recovering. I had a ton of cramping and other symptoms. A couple days before our test I had spotting and a serious bout of all-day nausea. I was scared to death of the test results but really feeling like I was pregnant. (I had now been pregnant once and pretty sure I was having a lot of the symptoms I felt after implantation the last time).
The anxiety of waiting for the result phone call seems like an eternity. I did some random things to pass the first few hours – but then when it’s about an hour before they’re supposed to call it seems like DAYS. Seriously – it’s probably the most anxious thing I’ve ever done.
We got the call.
Last time our first number was 35. Anything under 5 is negative.
It was 6.9
We were barely pregnant. My nurse told me to stay on my medicine just in case and they’ll repeat 3 days later, but it’s probably another chemical, another early miscarriage. She said that implantation happened, but the embryo probably isn’t going to hang on. The very, very lowest they’ve ever had that ended in a healthy pregnancy was an 8… I didn’t feel like I was the lucky one to break the streak, so I wasn’t feeling too confident.
We were so hoping this little guy was the one. It seemed like all hope was lost and I was really hoping God would show up, swoop in at this very moment and show off, finally answering our desperate prayers. God did show up. He just didn’t give us the news we hoped for.
On Monday afternoon I got the call I was 99.9% sure I’d get – our baby was no longer with us.
So what now? Grieving is the name of the game. Sorrow is my constant companion. My husband is my rock and I am so incredibly thankful for his love, constant devotion, support and encouragement. Even when I’m in the pit, he doesn’t let me stay there. But to be honest, it’s hard to spend time in the Word, hard to run to the One who has crushed one of my deepest desires. Right now I feel like Jeremiah in Lamentations 3:
“I am the (wo)man who has seen affliction
by the rod of the LORD’s wrath.
2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long….
19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.”
Hoping and praying I can get to the next section of verses and be comforted:
21 “Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.”
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.