Last Chances

If you’ve been following our infertility story, you know that we recently tried Embryo Donation. We got 2 beautiful embryos, they both survived the thaw and we FINALLY got a positive pregnancy test! Unfortunately, our numbers didn’t increase like they should and we had a chemical pregnancy – an early miscarriage.

And so that brings us to the last few months. After our bad news, my nurse worked really hard for us and was able to get us 2 more embryos!! These 2 are the biological siblings of our first babies and we were able to do our 2nd FET very soon afterwards.

Our treatment plan was the same, although I began getting very nervous that our miscarriage happened because of my lining (7.2mm 5 days before transfer) and scared that it would be as thin next time and cause the same thing. I was thrilled when we went in to get it checked and it was 8.5mm!! I told Bryan, the results could always be negative or the same thing could happen but at least I wouldn’t worry it was from that.

We went in the morning of the transfer and were devastated that only one embryo survived the thaw. We had a grade 1 (best) and grade 2 and unfortunately the grade 1 was the one that didn’t make it. Last time we had a grade 1.5 and 2, so just transferring the single 2 grade was so hard… even as they were doing the transfer it was easy for me to feel like it was a waste of time and that little guy wasn’t going to make it. I had to keep myself from crying the whole time – sad tears, not excited, hopeful and happy tears like last time. After our nurse left I just broke down. So different than the beautiful experience we had the first time.

I worked really hard to rest as much as possible and did complete bed rest for 2+ days. As I was recovering. I had a ton of cramping and other symptoms. A couple days before our test I had spotting and a serious bout of all-day nausea. I was scared to death of the test results but really feeling like I was pregnant. (I had now been pregnant once and pretty sure I was having a lot of the symptoms I felt after implantation the last time).

The anxiety of waiting for the result phone call seems like an eternity. I did some random things to pass the first few hours – but then when it’s about an hour before they’re supposed to call it seems like DAYS. Seriously – it’s probably the most anxious thing I’ve ever done.

We got the call.

Last time our first number was 35. Anything under 5 is negative.

It was 6.9

We were barely pregnant. My nurse told me to stay on my medicine just in case and they’ll repeat 3 days later, but it’s probably another chemical, another early miscarriage. She said that implantation happened, but the embryo probably isn’t going to hang on. The very, very lowest they’ve ever had that ended in a healthy pregnancy was an 8… I didn’t feel like I was the lucky one to break the streak, so I wasn’t feeling too confident.

We were so hoping this little guy was the one. It seemed like all hope was lost and I was really hoping God would show up, swoop in at this very moment and show off, finally answering our desperate prayers. God did show up. He just didn’t give us the news we hoped for.

On Monday afternoon I got the call I was 99.9% sure I’d get – our baby was no longer with us.

So what now? Grieving is the name of the game. Sorrow is my constant companion. My husband is my rock and I am so incredibly thankful for his love, constant devotion, support and encouragement. Even when I’m in the pit, he doesn’t let me stay there. But to be honest, it’s hard to spend time in the Word, hard to run to the One who has crushed one of my deepest desires. Right now I feel like Jeremiah in Lamentations 3:

“I am the (wo)man who has seen affliction
by the rod of the LORD’s wrath.
2 He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long….

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.”

Hoping and praying I can get to the next section of verses and be comforted:

21 “Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.”

 

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

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About jackielopina

Follower of Jesus, Pastor's Wife, Cookie Baker.
This entry was posted in Embryo Adoption, Infertility, Suffering and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Last Chances

  1. lynbookworm says:

    I’m sorry to read your post tonight and can only imagine exactly what you are feeling. You and your husband are in my prayers. I pray that you will be comforted in so many ways. God bless xx

  2. Pat says:

    Grieving with you, praying for you. Love you so much.

  3. brittany green says:

    Ive been praying hard for you, Jackie. You are his child and he has a plan for you.

  4. Lauren says:

    I am so sorry. Tears came to my eyes as I read the verses from Lamentations and identified with that grief. I try to cling to Psalm 30: “The sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” Praying God’s richest blessings on you as you grieve and mourn. It is okay to cry and let it all out. I know you know that, but sometimes it helps to be told in times like this. Hugs and prayers coming your way!

  5. McKenzie says:

    Praying for you guys Jackie. Love you!

  6. Dan McIntyre says:

    Thanks for your openness and honesty, Jackie. Its hard and its sad, but also really helpful – both to those with similar infertility struggles, but also to anyone who suffer/struggle with the circumstances of their life . I’m encouraged by you and your faith. I’m hopefully excited to see the way the Lord leads you guys through to verse 21. You and Bryan are in our prayers.

  7. Sarah Cosper says:

    Thank you again for your faithfulness even in suffering. I am sorry for your new and old losses. Many prayers. Will I meet you next week at the Sojourn Network retreat?

    • jackielopina says:

      Yea yes! I wasn’t sure if you guys were coming but I’m stoked to meet you and your hubby! Thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words and prayers. They are so appreciated.

      Jackie

  8. Abigail says:

    Oh, my…I am so, so sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to have to go through yet another cycle of timid hope and crushing disappointment, especially so soon after you last loss. :( God’s ways just don’t make sense so many times. :bighugs: Know that you will be often in my prayers as you work through this time of grieving. He understands the tears, and catches them all. May He hold you close and remind you of His love in very special ways…and I pray He will bless you with children in His perfect time and way.

    • jackielopina says:

      Abigail thanks so much for walking through our pain with us and your sweet encouraging words. Your words and prayers are much appreciated.

      • Abigail says:

        I read Psalm 115 in my quiet time this morning, and was just thinking about these verses that stood out to me. I pray they may be an encouragement to you, too. God IS our help and protector from the enemy. He HAS remembered us, and He WILL bless us. Praying you sense His blessing and love in very special ways today and in the days ahead. :hugs:

        11 You who fear the Lord, trust in the Lord!
        He is their help and their shield.
        12 The Lord has remembered us; he will bless us;

        13 he will bless those who fear the Lord,
        both the small and the great.
        14 May the Lord give you increase,
        you and your children!
        15 May you be blessed by the Lord,
        who made heaven and earth!

  9. Steph says:

    You’ve been on my heart a lot the last few weeks, especially as Kevin has been preaching through Genesis. Last week was Genesis 40 and he talked about Joseph’s imprisonment and how he was forgotten by the cupbearer. He encouraged us not to mistake God’s silence as his absence. I pray that the story of Joseph can be of some encouragement to you as our husband’s preach through it. There’s wasn’t much in Joseph’s life that seemed fair, and God was often silent, but he was never absent, and when we can see the whole picture we see how good God truly was. Praying that you cling to the truth that He is for you and He has NOT forgotten you. Joseph was steadfast and so are you. Keep pressing on to that next portion of scripture. God has so much more in store. Love you!

  10. Lauren Dankhoff says:

    Always, always praying for you, Jackie. We love you guys. Know that your faithfulness is an encouragement to me and so very glorifying to Christ. May you cling to Him and allow Him to carry you, really carry you and your burden. I pray you truly feel the love of Christ, friend, even now, even today…know you are a precious, precious child of God.

  11. Christy Connell says:

    You are such an incredible woman and I am in awe of your heart and love for the Lord. I am so sorry for the difficult journey this has been but stand amazed at how God is using you and your vulnerability in sharing this. I pray that you feel encouraged by the ppl in your corner and know that you are dearly loved and prayed for. I’m sorry Im not a very good encourager or even know what to say, but praying for the spirit’s intercession to the throne.

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