I haven’t blogged much about it but I’m still waist deep in the process of grieving and coping with our miscarriages and infertility’s finality. I’ve been able to talk to people who have offered wise counsel and been able to clear the fog a bit on what the heck this grieving process is supposed to look like. For a month or two, I was just stuck. I knew I needed to grieve and process but I had absolutely no clue how to begin doing that.
Through some helpful conversations the Lord has granted me some clarity on HOW to work through grieving. Through some time away with Him, He has shed some light on my soul and after months of feeling stagnant I’ve experienced a few baby steps. I know the grieving process will take years, but it’s been so gracious of God to give me a few glimpses of growth. It makes me feel like this is not the way it will be forever, Lord willing!!
Yet every so often a strange thing happens. I ask myself “Did that really happen?” When I’m not poking myself with needles daily or going to the doctor’s weekly it can all feel like a strange dream. Have any of you experienced this after a traumatic event? I think it would be different if we ended up with a baby from the process but since we didn’t, my mind sometimes thinks “Wait. We must not have tried to have a family yet… It couldn’t have actually ended this way, right?”
However as we all know, it happened. Years of my life and more pills, needles, money and tears than I even want to think about. But I’m thankful for the fuzziness. There’s a beauty in the forgetting as the acuteness begins to fade. That doesn’t mean the pain and sorrow is fading at the same rate. But thankfully some of the initial shock of the finality of our infertility and our miscarriages is.
Yet episodes of reality snap me back from that fuzziness. Times when bellies are growing at the same rate mine could have been if our sweet embryos didn’t miscarry or when people share they’re due in October or December. It reminds me of what could have been, what almost was.
But never will be.
When my husband was preaching through Joseph, he came home one evening after preparing and said “You’re Joseph!” In Genesis 40, after spending years in prison Joseph finally felt he got his break. He interpreted a dream for an important official for the King and in return asked the cupbearer to remember him and get him out of prison! Bryan painted the picture of him running to the door daily, watching and looking out for someone to come release him. He might have thought “God, I’ve learned my lesson, I know why you’ve done this and I’m ready to be out.”
But the chief cupbearer did not remember Joseph; he forgot him.
He spent 2 more years in prison after what he thought was the end of his misery. And just like Joseph we thought embryo donation was our big break! “Ok God, we get it… You wanted us to help other people, you wanted us to depend on you and walk through sorrow and lead us to this great place, you want us to give these embryos a chance at life and raise them – this is the way you’re taking us out of it!”
But we miscarried.
Life isn’t always like we plan. Even times when we think it would have made sense, it would have brought God glory. But God was with Joseph through his disappointment and He is with us. Even through the valley, even when our worst fears come true. And He knows the end. So slowly, we’re putting one foot in front of the other. We’re diving in headfirst to the river rapids of grief, knowing and trusting that He will bring us safely to the other side.