Not Your Average Fairytale

I haven’t blogged much about it but I’m still waist deep in the process of grieving and coping with our miscarriages and infertility’s finality. I’ve been able to talk to people who have offered wise counsel and been able to clear the fog a bit on what the heck this grieving process is supposed to look like. For a month or two, I was just stuck. I knew I needed to grieve and process but I had absolutely no clue how to begin doing that.

Through some helpful conversations the Lord has granted me some clarity on HOW to work through grieving. Through some time away with Him, He has shed some light on my soul and after months of feeling stagnant I’ve experienced a few baby steps. I know the grieving process will take years, but it’s been so gracious of God to give me a few glimpses of growth. It makes me feel like this is not the way it will be forever, Lord willing!!

Yet every so often a strange thing happens. I ask myself “Did that really happen?” When I’m not poking myself with needles daily or going to the doctor’s weekly it can all feel like a strange dream. Have any of you experienced this  after a traumatic event? I think it would be different if we ended up with a baby from the process but since we didn’t, my mind sometimes thinks “Wait. We must not have tried to have a family yet… It couldn’t have actually ended this way, right?”

However as we all know, it happened. Years of my life and more pills, needles, money and tears than I even want to think about. But I’m thankful for the fuzziness. There’s a beauty in the forgetting as the acuteness begins to fade. That doesn’t mean the pain and sorrow is  fading at the same rate. But thankfully some of the initial shock of the finality of our infertility and our miscarriages is.

Yet episodes of reality snap me back from that fuzziness. Times when bellies are growing at the same rate mine could have been if our sweet embryos didn’t miscarry or when people share they’re due in October or December. It reminds me of what could have been, what almost was.

But never will be.

When my husband was preaching through Joseph, he came home one evening after preparing and said “You’re Joseph!” In Genesis 40, after spending years in prison Joseph finally felt he got his break.  He interpreted a dream for an important official for the King and in return asked the cupbearer to remember him and get him out of prison! Bryan painted the picture of him running to the door daily, watching and looking out for someone to come release him. He might have thought “God, I’ve learned my lesson, I know why you’ve done this and I’m ready to be out.”

But the chief cupbearer did not remember Joseph; he forgot him.

He spent 2 more years in prison after what he thought was the end of his misery. And just like Joseph we thought embryo donation was our big break! “Ok God, we get it… You wanted us to help other people, you wanted us to depend on you and walk through sorrow and lead us to this great place, you want us to give these embryos a chance at life and raise them – this is the way you’re taking us out of it!”

But we miscarried.

Life isn’t always like we plan. Even times when we think it would have made sense, it would have brought God glory. But God was with Joseph through his disappointment and He is with us. Even through the valley, even when our worst fears come true. And He knows the end. So slowly, we’re putting one foot in front of the other. We’re diving in headfirst to the river rapids of grief, knowing and trusting that He will bring us safely to the other side.

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About jackielopina

Follower of Jesus, Pastor's Wife, Cookie Baker.
This entry was posted in Infertility, Sanctification, Suffering and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Not Your Average Fairytale

  1. Abigail says:

    Thank you for your humble honesty. :hugs: I know exactly what you mean about the “unreality” of it all…I feel the same way about my miscarriage in many ways. A little glimpse of hope, of what happy expectation would be – then suddenly completely gone, and somehow life goes on. It’s a very strange thing. And yes, the grieving is a long journey.

    You remain in my prayers as God brings you to mind. He is writing a beautiful story with your life, and someday it will all make more sense. Keep trusting. <3

  2. Stephanie says:

    Oh, Jackie. What a grief you must carry. I’ve followed your story and my heart goes out to you. I know it doesn’t help your own sense of loss, but the Lord has used your blog for good in my life. I read of how you dealt with infertility and loss in a God-glorifying manner before I went through my own infertility/miscarriage trials. So, when it happened to me I remembered your story and the things you had posted, and I was encouraged. Thank you for your bravery in posting your personal journey for others to profit from. It has really blessed my heart to read and not feel so alone in the battle with infertility.

    • jackielopina says:

      Stephanie I am so sorry you’ve had to walk through this journey. But my heart smiles to know you’ve encouraged and that our story has made you know you’re not alone. Jesus loves you and He is with you in your suffering!

  3. Summer says:

    We recently miscarried as well. It’s hard. Thank you for your last paragraph- it’s so encouraging!

    • jackielopina says:

      Summer I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Hoping you can grieve and process through your miscarriage, fully trusting our loving God who gives and takes away.

  4. Erin says:

    Jackie, I continue to pray for you and that the Lord will bless you with a miracle in being able to have a family. Either through the miracle of adoption or a surprise pregnancy, or both! I understand your frustrations as I walk this journey with you. I just photographed a wedding where the bride was 5 months pregnant (same as I would have been if I had not miscarried). She kept proclaiming how her son was kicking her and I was so sad thinking of how my son or daughter should be kicking me and I would know the gender too. As we near the end of our attempts to get pregnant I am more and more relating to the finality of it all… or how it seems that i may never get pregnant. The only encouragement is knowing that God knows best. I admire you and your honesty and your strength.

    • jackielopina says:

      Oh Erin, I think of you often. Thanks for sharing as we both walk similar roads. Praying that you can cling onto Jesus as you grieve your loss and can trust Him for whatever He has in store next for you guys.(praying the same for us too!)

  5. Emily Weller says:

    i think this is one of my favorite blog posts of yours, jackie. it’s so good to hear your heart truly hoping in God. it’s such a fight, and i am encouraged by how you have grown in this process. the Lord is working in you. and judging by the other comments here, He is working through you! love you so much, sweet friend. thankful that our God is good and He does good to us — always!

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