God has been revealing so much of his goodness to me recently. I realized that my new job was a huge catalyst in my healing. I wrote about it a bit when I shared initially. However, there’s a big part of how I’m feeling recently that I’m don’t totally understand! I think God has blessed some of the huge heart work I’ve been doing over the past few months, which is evidence of His grace upon grace.
After our last try at embryo adoption/ our last miscarriage/ walking away from trying to get pregnant, I was just stuck. I was grieving and angry and sad. I knew I should process. I just didn’t know how. I had absolutely no direction. Even though it was obviously always a possibility we could end infertility treatment without a baby in my womb, I never thought it would. It was just devastating.
And in my devastation, I just kept circling through my thoughts. ‘This is so sad. All my fears came true. God why don’t you want me to be a mother? Why did we go through all this if it was for nothing? If you just wanted us to adopt, why didn’t you put that on our hearts 3 years ago? Why did I even get pregnant at all? Why did we have to lose our babies?” Over and over, my heart cried out.
My heart bubbled over in sorrow. I ran to the Lord in my pain… crying out my tears and my fears. But I didn’t really feel like I was moving anywhere. In May – just a month after we were done, I was feeling like I would never be okay again. I didn’t even know where to start to work through things. I knew it would be hard work, but since I had no clue what to do, I didn’t feel like I would ever get there!
Thanks to some “wizards of the soul” as I like to call them, I got some clarity, by God’s glorious grace. Once I had something to process through, think on, I ran for it. I knew it would be hard soul work. I was digging down deep – through a lot of emotions and issues that have been present in my life since childhood. I knew it would be a challenge. But I also had to trust that God would bring me out on the other side.
When I was meeting with this person, I mentioned that I feel like grieving isn’t trusting God. I said “It’s obvious He didn’t want this to happen – so it feels like I’m being disobedient if I’m not just getting over it quickly.” I was gently and quietly informed “The best way to trust God is to jump in the violent rapids of the water of grief… and trust that Jesus will bring you safely to the other side. Not trusting him would be trying to short cut the process.”
Wow! So mind blowing and helpful. And so I said, Jesus I trust you. I trust as I search my heart and the depth of my soul and emotions, that You will safely bring me over to the other side. I began my journey knowing it would be a long process. I was told it typically is about 3 years (which is SO encouraging – because I always want things to be over rightthisverysecond!)
And so I still have a long way to go and a lot of heart work to do. But I have been blown away by God’s overwhelming grace in the suddenness of lifting my fog of sorrow in the past month or so. Yes it’s still hard. Yes, it’s going to be hard for a long time. But that searing pain is no longer my constant companion. I don’t tear up if I accidentally see the baby aisle in Target. I felt like there was absolutely NO growth in my suffering for so long and God is slowly drawing back the veil and showing me what He’s been doing all along.
“Praise be to the Lord,
for He has heard my cry for mercy!”