A Letter on Loss and Love

Dear Baby,

252 days ago we found out about you. I’ll never forget getting the phone call – to finally receive our first positive pregnancy test. I just wept into your daddy’s chest, so overwhelmed with shock and surprise and joy that after all our years of waiting you were finally on your way to us. Sweet Baby hearing that you had implanted brought such hope and joy into our world.

I remember praying with thanksgiving and joy bubbling over. Praying for OUR baby then shrieking and crying out “Our Baby! I can’t believe you finally exist!!” Other than understanding the gospel for the first time, your daddy asking me to marry him and our wedding day – hearing that you were coming into our lives was the most joyful moment I’ve ever experienced.

I was sad that your brother or sister wasn’t going to be joining you, but so thrilled to be your mommy and that you were hanging around to be with us. The thought of you joining our family was so sweet that our past sorrow seemed to minimize immediately.

Oh my baby, how I wish that I was feeling like a whale, having trouble sleeping, and counting down the minutes until I got the privilege of giving birth to you. How I wish you were kicking me in my ribs and I could feel your movements from inside emphasizing your little life growing. How I wish we got the chance to turn our guest room into your nursery and that I got to sit in your rocking chair with you in my belly and pray fervently over you that you would do big things in your life. How I wish I got to see my husband be your daddy and love you and play with you. How I wish we got to see if you had red or brown hair or were tall and skinny like we thought you’d be.

How I wish I got to name you

and birth you

and hold you

and nurse you.

How I wish you were still mine.

Sweet Baby, your due date has loomed over me for months. I thought the grief would be sharp and cause me to double over in pain. As I wrote last week, God has been so gracious in helping me process through my grief and working on healing. So baby, today, my grief just comes in a dull wave. I grieve over your brother and sister that shared the womb with you. I grieve over your sibling that didn’t survive the thaw and I grieve over your brother or sister that was with us only a brief moment before passing. Even though we got our 2nd positive pregnancy test with him, it was so low we knew we were going to lose him. You were the one who opened my womb, our first pregnancy… and the only one we ever had any hope of coming to fruition.

Your brother or sister was our last pregnancy, the last hope of our baby growing in my womb. Thank you for granting me the joy of carrying you for those 11 days. You taught me that being pregnant was even better than I thought it would be:)

I so wish you were still with us, that God loaned you to us a little bit longer. But I know you are being held tight in the arms of Jesus. He gives and He takes away. Even though I can’t imagine a love deeper than mine for you, I know Jesus’ love makes mine pale in comparison. I’m so thankful you get to have a life free of suffering, free of pain. But Baby losing you still brings so much pain to my world. I miss you so. My Sweet Baby, I hope I get to see you someday.

I miss you. I love you.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Approximately one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. #Iam1in4

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About jackielopina

Follower of Jesus, Pastor's Wife, Cookie Baker.
This entry was posted in Embryo Adoption, Infertility, Suffering and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to A Letter on Loss and Love

  1. Kristin Lewis says:

    Jackie, thanks so much for sharing about your sweet babies. I’m praying for the big things I know God has in store for your family. Your babies are lucky to have a great, Gospel centered momma. Excited for what The Lord has prepared for the Lopinas! Love you, friend.

  2. Stephanie G. says:

    My husband and I are praying for you especially on this day. Again, your going through this and having the courage to share it has been an encouragement of how to deal with the loss in a glorifying manner to the Lord. I hope that I can be as centered as you are when our due date comes around in January. The verse that has always been a comfort to me is Isaiah 26:3 “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” I hope it brings you some comfort this day, as well.

  3. abbrogle says:

    grieving with you and rejoicing at the thought of seeing all of our babies again one day…this is so so sweet and so so hard to read

    • jackielopina says:

      Oh I love how a mark of our friendship has always been grieving and rejoicing together…often at the same time. Thank you for your sweet, loving comment and knowing exactly what it’s like. Oh, the thought of seeing all our babies again one day!!

  4. I just wanted to send you a hug. After losing 3 babies-I know the pain you are feeling, and the healing journey you are on.

  5. Shannon says:

    Thank you for the sweet reminder of how precious life is. I fumble through my days of trying to keep up with laundry, trying to grope for another pocket of sleep, trying to feed little tummies (and big ones), trying to keep the house sort of clean, trying to remember to play and be fun, trying to stretch myself between three tiny people. Always trying, and often feeling like a failure – but I know if I didn’t have this life, I would wish for it as you do. My sweet, precious children – there are many days I take them for granted. I will squeeze them a little tighter, and say a prayer that you get to squeeze your own some day soon. <3

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