4 years ago yesterday we began a journey.
A journey 4 little letters led us to believe it might be a little more difficult than most. A journey we never knew we take us the length and breadth and depth it has taken us. A journey that has been marked with pain so deep and an ocean of tears.
A sometimes isolating journey in a world full of swelling bellies and happy families. A journey full of pills and shots, doctors and nurses, constant phone calls with insurance and invasive treatment. A journey full of questions without answers, groanings too deep for words and over and over being told “no” to a deep longing of my heart.
When we started trying to have a family it was exciting to dream of a baby growing in my womb that would be a beautiful mix of my handsome husband and me. Infertility eats away at that dream. And for couples like us- that dream will never come true. A year ago, we had just adopted our first two embryos… oh! To be parents for the first time! Indeed they were in the freezer, but it was closer that we has ever gotten before.
At this time last year, I was injecting myself daily and taking a cocktail of pills to prepare my womb for our little ones. (If you want, you can follow that journey here). As you may know, we got our first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test. Oh the glory of it! Unfortunately our next blood test didn’t double and our sweet baby miscarried. We were able to adopt the two sibling embryos and and one had implanted so we “technically” got a positive but it was low enough they knew I was going to miscarry again.
Four years… four babies…
Our miscarriages cut so deep. It felt so promising to finally – after dozens and dozens of negative pregnancy tests – to finally get a positive. It was so painful to have it ripped away so quickly. I cried out to God in confusion and despair and anger and sorrow. And he listened and was there, comforting me. I remember back in May how great my sorrow was. I remember thinking “How will I ever heal? Will I ever be happy again? Am I ever going to be ready to try to have a family again or is it just going to feel like I’m setting mysel up for failure?” I’ve shared before, but God has been so gracious with intense healing, restoration and growth.
“Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.”
Though he brought a season of deep suffering and pain, He also brings healing, revival. And for as intense as the pain and suffering has been, He has been as swift and deep in bringing joy in His goodness, confident trust in Him and happiness and hope in the future He will bring. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away – blessed be the name of the Lord!
And so now – as is the constant state through infertility – we continue waiting. Although now we no longer wait in fear of the negative pregnancy test or to see if we’re going to miscarry … hallelujah! We’re done with that phase of life. We get to wait in hopeful expectation. We wait to finish our home study and to get a call from a social worker that there is a birth mom interested in us. We get to wait to see if we’re matched with a family.
Each new step of the way fills me with new hope and new joy. God is so good. And He has revealed that goodness even through the suffering and difficulty.
We’ve discovered this song at The Oaks recently that I absolutely love called ‘Satisfied in You.’ There’s a line in it that the first time I heard I just started weeping.
“Let my losses show me all I truly have is You… ‘cause all I truly have is You.”
That’s what the last 4 years have done. That’s what my sweet embryos have revealed to me. Jesus, all I truly have is You. Thank you that You are such a better king than I am. I wait in hopeful expectation for what You have planned for us in Year 5.