Stepping Boldly in Year 5

4 years ago yesterday we began a journey.

A journey 4 little letters led us to believe it might be a little more difficult than most. A journey we never knew we take us the length and breadth and depth it has taken us. A journey that has been marked with pain so deep and an ocean of tears.

A sometimes isolating journey in a world full of swelling bellies and happy families. A journey full of pills and shots, doctors and nurses, constant phone calls with insurance and invasive treatment. A journey full of questions without answers, groanings too deep for words and over and over being told “no” to a deep longing of my heart.

When we started trying to have a family it was exciting to dream of a baby growing in my womb that would be a beautiful mix of my handsome husband and me. Infertility eats away at that dream. And for couples like us- that dream will never come true. A year ago, we had just adopted our first two embryos… oh! To be parents for the first time! Indeed they were in the freezer, but it was closer that we has ever gotten before.

At this time last year, I was injecting myself daily and taking a cocktail of pills to prepare my womb for our little ones. (If you want, you can follow that journey here). As you may know, we got our first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test. Oh the glory of it! Unfortunately our next blood test didn’t double and our sweet baby miscarried. We were able to adopt the two sibling embryos and and one had implanted so we “technically” got a positive but it was low enough they knew I was going to miscarry again.

Four years… four babies…

Our miscarriages cut so deep. It felt so promising to finally – after dozens and dozens of negative pregnancy tests – to finally get a positive. It was so painful to have it ripped away so quickly. I cried out to God in confusion and despair and anger and sorrow. And he listened and was there, comforting me. I remember back in May how great my sorrow was. I remember thinking “How will I ever heal? Will I ever be happy again? Am I ever going to be ready to try to have a family again or is it just going to feel like I’m setting mysel up for failure?” I’ve shared before, but God has been so gracious with intense healing, restoration and growth.

“Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.”

Hosea 6:1-2

Though he brought a season of deep suffering and pain, He also brings healing, revival. And for as intense as the pain and suffering has been, He has been as swift and deep in bringing joy in His goodness, confident trust in Him and happiness and hope in the future He will bring. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away – blessed be the name of the Lord!

And so now – as is the constant state through infertility – we continue waiting. Although now we no longer wait in fear of the negative pregnancy test or to see if we’re going to miscarry … hallelujah! We’re done with that phase of life. We get to wait in hopeful expectation. We wait to finish our home study and to get a call from a social worker that there is a birth mom interested in us. We get to wait to see if we’re matched with a family.

Each new step of the way fills me with new hope and new joy. God is so good. And He has revealed that goodness even through the suffering and difficulty.

We’ve discovered this song at The Oaks recently that I absolutely love called ‘Satisfied in You.’ There’s a line in it that the first time I heard I just started weeping.

Let my losses show me all I truly have is You… ‘cause all I truly have is You.”

That’s what the last 4 years have done. That’s what my sweet embryos have revealed to me. Jesus, all I truly have is You. Thank you that You are such a better king than I am. I wait in hopeful expectation for what You have planned for us in Year 5.

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About jackielopina

Follower of Jesus, Pastor's Wife, Cookie Baker.
This entry was posted in Adoption, Embryo Adoption, Infertility, Jesus, Sanctification, Suffering and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Stepping Boldly in Year 5

  1. Jessica Seed says:

    Beatiful song. Beautiful post. Beautiful Savior. Love you Lopinas. Praying for your ministry and family. Looks like we will not be getting to catch up this Christmas season. But I’m very sad about that. Know that we love you lots and miss you lots and if you’re ever in Columbus give us a call!!

  2. The Mom says:

    I have followed your story off and of because we share a common friendship with Curry Flautt Winters, whom I have known since she was a baby. I just wanted you to know that I have stopped and taken the time to pray for you this morning. Your sweet faith in the midst of great suffering and trial is a light to many. May the Lord bring your children to you soon. I know that they are waiting for you just as anxiously as you await them. Blessings. Kathy White

    • jackielopina says:

      Kathy thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate your prayers and your powerful words of encouragement. I so hope your prayer for our children will come soon as well! Blessings to you and yours :)

  3. I love this all. I recently found your blog and I’ve really enjoyed all of it.Thanks for sharing all that you share. One day if we are in Cinci on a Sunday(we are in Indy), maybe we will come visit your church :) I just wanted to say its really good to have a blog like yours to hear from people who have walked a similar path before us and to see how God has been faithful.

    • jackielopina says:

      I’m so glad you found my blog! I know that infertility can make you feel so alone and I pray you can feel comfort in knowing there are so many of us out there who have walked in similar shoes and have with the pain and sorrow. I pray that through this trial you can cling on to Jesus. The path isn’t an easy one… But He is good and He is in control. Even though it’s painful there is so much growth and sanctification to be had through suffering. Trust Him… cry out to Him… and eventually He will bring your heart to the other side of healing and growth and joy…. And hopefully He’ll bring children in one way or another too!!

      We’d love to have you at The Oaks sometime! Let me know if you’re ever in the area. I will be praying you can feel the nearness of our suffering Savior this Christmas… He is with you.

  4. Cheryl says:

    Just wanted to comment on this beautifully written post. I recently found your blog, and was drawn to it because our journeys are very similar. My husband and I have been dealing w/ infertility treatments for several years, and it appears that God has other plans on how He wants to build our family.. we are planning to start the adoption process in 2013. Your blog is an encouragement to me, so glad I found it! Merry Christmas!

    • jackielopina says:

      Hi Cheryl! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I’m so sorry to hear that you and your husband have been suffering through infertility and the difficulties of hopes dashed and dreams deferred. However I am thrilled that you guys are being led another way and are starting the adoption process in 2013! After going through treatment for so long, it was kind of a breath of fresh air to step away, in a way. There are certain dreams that will never be that we obviously need to process through, but it’s so freeing to have your body back from being poked and prodded and back from the dread of the pregnancies that will never be. I’m kind of rambling, but I hope that makes sense:) I’ll be praying for you and your husband as you start the adoption process. I hope you’ve gotten a chance to process through your infertility and are feeling excited for your next step. I’d love to hear more about your journey!!

      Thanks so much for sharing! May 2013 bring babies to both of us (finally!!)


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