Today is my 28th birthday. Many aspects of my life have me reflecting back… much can change in a year.
27, you were a heartbreaker. 8 days before my 27th birthday we got our first positive pregnancy test. My husband’s birthday is only a few days after mine and I remember gleefully thinking a baby is the best birthday present ever (Pssst I’m still hoping for that this year birth moms!)
6 days before my birthday we found out we miscarried. I remember waking up on my birthday and driving on a cold morning to The Original Pancake House which is one of our favorite places. As we left our neighborhood, I was sitting in the passenger seat, head in my hands, tears in my eyes. Sorrow and sadness welling over about our miscarriage and lost dreams, bitterness over our struggles and suffering, hopelessness at the seeming purposeless of it all. My husband clasped my hands and said “I want to read you something.” He preceded to read the following lyrics:
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by
I just began weeping. It reminded me in 1 Samuel when Hannah was weeping over her infertility and her husband lovingly chastised her and said “Why do you weep? Why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad?” (Literally “bad.”) She went and wept and prayed to the Lord then it says she “went her way and ate and her face was no longer sad.” (1 Samuel 1)
After reading the lyrics Bryan played the song and said “It’s your birthday, let’s have a good day.”
And we did. But that song was an anthem for my heart for months and months and began my infertility playlist (which I’ll share bits and pieces of soon.)
Even when things seem meaningless and random to us, they never are to God. Our lives are made up of little puzzle pieces and the darkest ones can seem perplexing. But they’re there for a purpose. God is making all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11.) We may get glimpses of what Jesus is doing and what His purposes are here and now but one day- when we see Him face to face- we will know fully. How incredible is that?
My birthday last year I was experiencing grief and loss. This year I’m experiencing joy and hope. 27 was a difficult year but it was also a healing year… an end to years of darkness and despair. God has broken me and has built me back up. Thank you Jesus.
By God’s grace, it seems 28 will be when I finally become a mother. And I’m sure there will be lots of sanctification and growth through this new role which is such a blessing. We are anxiously awaiting these monumental moments this year.