The doctors originally told us 1-2 months. It sounded like a long time but we were willing to do whatever we needed for Bryan to come home and be healthy. The first two weeks were such an emotional high from getting our baby it didn’t seem hard that he was still in the hospital. The last couple weeks started to get a little old. Thankfully the doctors had given us a probable time we could come home and it was getting closer!
We were told Friday, April 26th was the day. I spent the night there Wednesday and he had an awesome night. At rounds Thursday morning they did their report then said “So we were thinking of discharging today or tomorrow.” My ears perked when they said today but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. The doctor- a man of few words- looked at me and said “Mom, what do you prefer?”
“We’d LOVE to go home today if we can.” “Okay,” he said. “Today it is.”
Ahhh!! After 24 days in the NICU, we were actually getting to bring our baby home! I quickly called Bryan to share our great news! I drove home to get the car seat and other things and so Bryan and I wouldn’t be driving two separate cars.
After installing hundreds of car seats I now got to install one for MY child! So great.
We drove up there, packed up our stuff, got his hearing test and went through discharge. Soon enough, we were saying goodbye to our nurses and walking him out the door. Walking into the fresh air was so freeing- Bryan hadn’t ever felt that before!
I put his car seat in and sat down in the back next to him. He has never heard music before and Bryan and I had talked about what we wanted his first song to be.
Throughout the adoption process, there has been one song that felt the cry of my heart. It’s the song I listened to after we painted the nursery… when I was driving away, house completely dark but a single light in that window. Hope beckoning. It was what I listened to driving home from my gorgeous baby shower, joy searing my heart. Hope growing. It was what we sang at church just a few weeks before he was born. Hope almost culminated.
Oh! How He Loves Us.
Tears filled my eyes as the magnitude of God’s love was so present driving home with our son. My heart could not shout the depth of gratitude it felt. We prayed and praised God for the mighty work He has done in our family and for blessing us with this precious gift.
Bryan asked “What do you want to listen to next?” “Something good,” I said.
The next cords made me break out in weeping. As the lyrics began I remembered the first time my husband played this in the car for me: after our first miscarriage, dashed hopes and shattered dreams.
Farther along, we’ll know all about it.
Farther along, we’ll understand why.
So cheer up my brothers.
Live in the sunshine.
We’ll understand it, all by and by.
Our whole journey of infertility flashed before my eyes. The heartbreak, longing, losses and sorrows all led to this sweet baby next to me. He was what God had planned all along. Bryan was who God was thinking of when He whispered to my heart “It’ll be okay. Don’t give up… Not yet.”
In an instant it all came rushing forward. The magnitude of it all. This heavy journey that led to this intense mind blowing joy. It was over. Our longing to have a baby had been fulfilled. It was almost too much. I was crying so hard, head in my hands, chest heaving. All our pain led up to this moment. It was beautiful. God lifted back the veil even more and let me see the loveliness of His face. Reminded me that His withholding was because of love, not punishment. Reminded me that He knew my sorrow would only last a season, that joy truly does come with the morning.
And now, we start anew. Infertility will always be a part of my story, of Bryan’s story… But now it has a happy ending. Jesus has revealed so much of His mercy and kindness and love, my heart could explode. We are so thankful. We are forever changed.