My son was born.
I wasn’t laboring in a hospital or anxiously wringing my hands in the waiting room. I wasn’t even getting text play by plays or waiting nervously by the phone. I wasn’t receiving an “It’s a Boy!” balloon or cards and flowers. I was sitting at home- on the couch watching TV as my son took his first breath, cried his first cry.
I knew there was a birthmom delivering that day. I knew there was a slight possibility this could be our baby. But it was too good to be true, I couldn’t get my hopes up. Those high hopes has been dashed once and I didn’t want to get too excited in case they would be again. So I tried to be normal, not think too much about it and go to bed.
I checked my phone first thing in the morning to see if there was any updates. I figured she probably had the baby by 8am, but maybe not. Three hours later I couldn’t take it anymore- I emailed to know something. Did she have the baby? Did she already pick another family? Would the match happen soon or be days away? And well… The rest is history:)
So my son- I know you understand I wish I would have been there for those first moments, those first hours. To see you at just minutes old, be the first person to hold you. But we both know – your life from before conception was written by the hand of a loving God. He, in his sovereign wisdom chose the birth parents you would be born to and chose us, the lucky parents that get to raise you. He knew the moment we would gasp in shock and love as we first saw your chunky cheeks and adorable 1 day old face; the heart-stopping, tear-flowing, world-spinning moment as we held you for the first time. And I don’t regret or mourn or even feel like I missed out on a single thing. Of course I wish I could have experienced everything with you, but I didn’t get to and that’s ok. Every single day, every hour, every moment we have together is a gift.
It’s such a privilege to be a family together. Bryan, I love you, I love you, I love you.
Tomorrow you will be one whole year old. And I feel like the luckiest mama on the whole entire planet.
I will love you forever.