My heart has a million things to say and I don’t even know where to begin.
Bryan Robert – my dear son – happy first birthday!!
I cry tears of joy when I think about what a privilege it has been to be your mommy for the past year. I still remember walking into the NICU – anxiously excited – just the two of us…
then meeting you minutes later and finally becoming a family (even if we didn’t know it for certain yet.) Oh the change was so instant and so sweet!
The road to get to you was so long. And so hard. Sometimes all around me and in me all I could see was darkness. It seemed like you would never come.
Yesterday I was holding you on my hip as you were “brushing” your teeth; I was drying my hair and we were singing. You were smiling and giggling. And my heart about exploded. And I wanted to tell that girl – – the girl I was 3 years ago, who was so scared she would never get to be a mommy, never get to rock her own babies to sleep, who worried she would always feel an aching emptiness in her heart – – look at your life now! Your mothering time with come. It will come. And it will be more beautiful and joyful than you can even imagine.
Bryan you give me continuous joy. Motherhood isn’t always easy and you are my wild man, who wears me out and gives me a run for the money. But my heart overflows with gratefulness that I get to be your mommy. And as much joy as I feel in that role and the privilege it is to raise you, my joy is even deeper because you continually point me to the greatest gift in Jesus.
I learned the hard way in infertility that the road to parenthood will let me down. My plans for my family will fall short. And even when I get my wish for a baby, my son is a flawed sinful ball of adorableness and as much joy as he brings me, he alone cannot satisfy my soul. But! This wonderful gift of motherhood and the amazing treasure he is – – they can point me to the everlasting fountain of life… Jesus… the only one who can satisfy my soul forever.
My love, the last year has been the best of my whole life. You have made your daddy and I so, so happy. It brings me life and joy beyond my wildest dreams to get to spend my days with you – playing, reading, going on adventures and just living ordinary life – watching you grow up before my very eyes.
You have brought me so much happiness. And the best part? I am continually reminded of what a gift you are and the joy I find in you continually points me to God the Father where we find immeasureable and innumerable joy! He is the source of eternal life. Bryan, every night I pray you know Him. Your mommy and daddy love you as much as we possibly can, but we fail you… more than I’d like. Jesus will never fail you. Never forsake you or let you down. He loves you infinitely more than your daddy and I do and he will literally love you for all eternity.
If you remember nothing more of what I teach you, I pray you know that.
But if you do remember more:
- Know we wanted you, prayed for you for years and years before you came to us.
- Know we loved you from the instant we saw you.
- Know you are ours through and through – as much as if you would have been born to us.
- Know that you have been evidence of God’s grace and love and kindness and faithfulness to us.
- Know that you have been healing balm to your mama’s heart
- Know you have brought our family joy and have brought so much wonderful loud noise and laughter into our home
- Know you bring your extended family so much joy and are so loved by them.
- Know you are so incredibly deeply loved by your mommy and daddy.
- Know you are perfectly made by the hands of a loving God who knows everything about you and who loves you perfectly
Bryan I am so thankful for you first year. I love you with every fiber of my being my sweet son. God willing, I pray for years and decades more of being family together.
I love you.