My sweet, long awaited, long prayed for son is turning ONE at the end of the month. I thought it would be kind of fun to post a few thoughts throughout March as a “Countdown to One.” These may be short or long or silly or serious or no big deal or total tear jerkers. Here’s the first one:
There have been so many thoughts running through my mind as my sweet son is flying closer to one year old. I thought I would be so sad and the word “bittersweet” would constantly run through my mind. It is bittersweet in a way, don’t get me wrong. I am SUCH a squishy, cuddly newborn person; I love those early months and cherish those itty baby baby snuggles.
And I do feel like around 7-8 months when I wrote this post, I was experiencing that bitter part of the bittersweetness a little stronger. My baby was a long way from that squishy newborn or even the roly poly 3 month old…he was working his way closer to a little person. Around 9 months old, he came in swinging, “Mom – I’m becoming a toddler soon. This is happening. It’s gonna be awesome.”
Instead of bittersweetness being the word I resonate with, the word my heart sings is “grateful.” I am so insanely grateful. In no way do we deserve to have this bubbly, bouncing, sweet, happy, healthy, almost one year old boy.
There are just some things about infertility and miscarriage that change you forever. Even sometimes when I think I’m “past all that” I’ll have a hard day that comes out of no where and I remember that is a part of me forever.
One aspect of infertility and loss is that I know my son was never promised to me. I’ve had babies given and babies taken away. Five as a matter of fact. Three in my womb, one that never made it there, and one failed adoption. I was technically a mom years before the world would consider me one. That changes you. And as for Bryan? I held him in my arms… I fed him, I changed him, I introduced myself to him as his mom… knowing that there was a chance in 72 hours I could have no legal rights to him and have to walk away. Living under fear like that as a mom…wanting to make the most out of every second you get… that changes you. And I know I’ve only mentioned it a couple times, but my son was in the NICU for a month for some health issues. There aren’t a ton of long term complications they know of for sure but two. Developmental delays and SIDS. Yes Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. My baby had a higher risk of SIDS. Now we know the Lord is sustainer of life – so I was a nazi about sleep environment, him sleeping on his back and got a SIDS monitor which are things I would have done anyway – but we prayed, asked for God’s protection all the time and tried not to give way to fear knowing full well He held Bryan’s life in His hands.
But the reason I say all of this is because I know not a day, not a minute, not a second of my son’s life is promised to us. Just because we went through a hard season of infertility it’s not like “we’re due” for good things or something like that. It is ONLY out of God’s grace and goodness and love.
And man he is lavishing it continually upon us.
As Bryan nears one, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness
- at being a family
- how much I love being a mom
- how happy our son is
- how he’s not only NOT delayed development wise but is on target or a little above in everything
- at Bryan’s health. He was in the NICU for 25 days. And has had ZERO follow up since (other than regular well visits at his pediatrician). That’s how well he’s done. It is insane to me. Puts his ear infections and antibiotics into perspective :)
- at God sustaining my baby’s life. I have breathed this prayer over Bryan so many times over the past year. When you haven’t experienced loss, you forget how miraculous it is that God sustains life. But it really is. And I am so utterly grateful he has sustained Bryan’s and I pray he will continue to.
Thank you Jesus. You are so good to us.